Overwhelmed and stressed

Christmas season is a stressful time for me. And this season is more stressful than others for various reasons. The one I'm thinking of right now is the fact that I will be gone for two consecutive weeks from work starting on Monday, and I have SO MUCH STUFF TO GET DONE that I've been putting off for various reasons. If my boss will be filling in for me, I want things as clean and up to date as possible.

This task would be fine if I didn't have additional work piling on me at the same time.

And if I didn't have a doc appt this afternoon (don't get worried, it's just a little thing).

Not to mention the packing we need to do for the next week, the present-buying, the present-wrapping, the supper-making, the laundry, the house-cleaning, the sleeping! Oh, the sleeping!

My new doc told me before he left our appointment to be careful with holiday eating--"Don't eat any grass." Well, I haven't eaten any grass, but I have been eating lots of holiday food, thereby missing the point of his command. And my body is telling me that I have made a mistake. Nothing huge, just Crohn's pain throughout the afternoon and evenings this week and last. Results of stress and bad eating.

Please pray if you think of me during this time. Thank you!

I HAVE A NEW GI DOC!!!

Yes, folks, it's true. I found a new doc!

My appointment with "Preston" went well on Friday. He was wonderful. He asked me questions about my history with Crohn's, my current struggles, my meds, everything. He listened pretty well and was funny but mostly very professional.

At one point he was asking about my symptoms, and I said, "Well, actually, I have a chart that I've been keeping to track my symptoms..." and showed them to him and he said "This is amazing! I ask my patients to track their symptoms and you have this whole system! It's wonderful! I left my glasses at home so I can't read this fine print but it's amazing!" So affirming!!! My previous doc said "Oh. Do they help you?"

So, you're probably seeing a pattern emerging: yes, what I like most about this doc is that he listens to me and he TALKS to me. He affirms me and my efforts at managing my Crohn's. He actually has the same treatment plan as my former doc (oh, that feels good to say "former"), but he EXPLAINED the whole thing to me, and it made all the difference.

He said that I have a certain type of Crohn's called (and I'm going to google it to see what the real name is), I think, fibrostenosis or fibrous stenosis. "Fibrous" means scar tissue, and Dr. Preston believes that I am actually in remission (because of my Imuran and my symptoms) but it's areas of scar tissue in my small intestine that cause bowel obstructions and pain, etc. He said, like my former doc, that surgery is the only thing that could possibly improve my intestines, but he is also hesitant to do it, as there are almost always complications and then more surgeries.

He wouldn't want to do a preventative surgery, though. He said I should wait until I really need it, because of all those complications. Fine with me!

At the end of the exam, he asked when I'd last had labs, and if it was really March. I said yes, and that I thought I was supposed to have labs done regularly while I'm on Imuran, especially at this high dose. He said yes, and gave me a standing order for labs to be taken every three months, starting that morning. Yippee! I always had to remind my former doc about those labs.

He asked me at the end if I had any more questions for him, and I asked if he would be my GI doc. I told him I'd been anxious about switching docs within the same practice, but I just felt like I had a personality different with the other doc. Dr. Preston said that he would be my doc and not to worry about switching, "it happens to us all the time." I said I would write a letter to the former doc, and Dr. Preston said, "don't worry about it."

Whew! I'm so happy to be with someone I trust. I go to see him in "six to nine months." Yikes! I hope I do well.

It's about time

... that I wrote another blog post to keep you all informed about my Crohn's.

Well, my struggles with Crohn's these days seems to pale in comparison with my friend John's struggles with cancer. I've been praying for him a lot, this week especially, because Tuesday was a day of prayer and fasting for his healing (I "fasted" by drinking Boost all day instead of solid foods). It made me think a lot about what I believe about God's character in terms of healing. Does he heal people of their diseases? Yes. Has he? Most definitely. Do I believe he can heal John of the cancer that's eating him alive? Yes, I do. Do I believe that he will heal me of my Crohn's? Hmmm... Yes and no.

I think a lot about the stories of the times Jesus healed people in the Bible. The leper who said with great faith, "Lord, if you will, you can make me clean." The centurion who said "only say the word, and my servant will be healed." Jesus asks the lame man "Do you want to be healed?" and then heals him.

And I think of the widow pestering the king, and Jesus saying it was "a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart."

What does it mean that I believe John can be healed but not me?

I do think it's true that God does what's best for us, and if healing me isn't what's best for me or for his glorification, then he won't do it. And I know that the experience of God's healing is usually a journey, not an instantaneous event.

So, I pray for more faith, faith that I will be healed, faith that John will be healed. And I ask you to pray with me.

Molly called!

Yippee! Molly finally called back and we set up an appointment for me to talk to Preston on Dec. 7 at 8:15am.

YEAHHH!!!

It's a little ways away, but that's okay, because I just had a GI appt. and am not due for another three months.

Thank you for your prayers!

I did it!

After writing that depressing blog post yesterday, I did it: I called the doctor's office and asked to speak to someone about potentially switching doctors!

They actually have a person who deals with "doctor changes" (hopefully not just for the GI department!), and I spoke to her. I asked if I (and possibly my husband) could meet with this other doctor that I was interested in. I want to talk to him, have him go over my chart with me and my husband and talk about what kind of care he'd recommend for me. And this way, I'd also get a feel for what he's like and if our personalities would work well together, if I felt comfortable with him and like I was being taken care of. See if he can offer me hope.

This woman--we'll call her "Molly"--is going to talk to the new doctor--let's call him "Preston"--on Monday (without talking to my old doc, whom we'll now address as "Lars"). So, Molly will talk to Preston and then Molly will call me back with the next step.

Whew! It's kind of nice both to (1) have a game plan and (2) be able to use names on this blog, even if they aren't the real names.

And I think I'll call my husband "Pierre" from now on, by the way.

In other news, I think I should give you all an update on other areas of my life, so that you don't think I think about Crohn's all the livelong day:

--We won first place in our church's "Trunk or Treat" trunk decorating contest. Trunk or Treat is when everyone at church pulls into the church parking lot, decorates their trunks, and the kids of the church dress up and go trick or treating from trunk to trunk. Very cute! We filled Pierre's truck bed up with water, I dressed up like a jellyfish and Pierre like a fisherman, and we had the kids fish bags of candy out of the water like they would fish out jellyfish. First place, baby!

--I'm going to therapy and it's very hard, but very good. It'll hopefully help me deal with anxiety and stress more effectively. I'm also going to physical therapy, as is Pierre, and we both love our therapist--we'll call her "Janice" (we see the same person). She's incredibly good at what she does.

--Pierre and I have too many things going on in our lives, including two big time commitments ending in November: the church men's retreat and our discipleship program that we lead small groups in. Hopefully the absence of these things will give us some much-needed breathing room in our schedules.

Hope this gives you a little update on the rest of my life! Thank you for your love and prayers.

Doc appt. today

I saw my GI doc today. It was the first time I'd seen him in three months, and there was a bowel obstruction that we had to debrief.

It was a fine appointment. The usual.

However, he said that it seems that it looks like it's not inflammation causing the obstructions: it's the scar tissue inside areas of my intestines. So, Remicade and Humira won't help that. Only surgery can help, "which I've been trying to avoid," he said. But, he said that if that's what's needed, it's not the end of the world.

Good grief.

I left feeling drained. I get so anxious about these appointments with him, not knowing what he'll say about my symptoms. I left with the adrenaline gone.

I need a second opinion.

No, I just need a new doc.

I need someone to give me hope. Someone who'll look at my Crohn's charts (the ones my husband and I made) and not just say, "oh, yeah, that's nice. That's, uh, helpful." Someone who won't say "sure, you can try Shaklee pills. They shouldn't hurt."

I know, I know, I keep saying this. But it's so, so, so hard to think about--much less actually--make an appointment with a new doc, a doc in his practice. It's just that I'm at the end of my rope.

And it's not like the new doc is necessarily going to say "oh, let's try this magical new treatment and watch your eating and stress and I believe I can help you get well!" It's entirely possible that the new doc will say "why haven't you had surgery yet?" and be really kind and generous with me. Do I want a hands-off doc who won't push me into surgery, or a hands-on doc who'll truly believe that surgery is my best option?

I'm afraid. I'm tired. Please pray.

Quick update

Not feeling the best today. I had pain (painful gas, perhaps) after breakfast this morning, and it's taking awhile to work out. Frustrating, especially since I'm at work and can't do anything about helping the "passing."

Monday night was a flare, I think. I had painful, sharp gas inside my intestines that took awhile to work out and I was sore in my abdomen when I woke up, as if I was recovering from whatever had happened.

I'm definitely feeling despair about my Crohn's. I feel like things are just going to get worse. I keep remembering how the GI doc who was taking care of me in the hospital said that the bowel obstruction didn't have inflammation involved, so it must have been scar tissue mixed with a bad food choice. I'd say that it was more about scar tissue mixed with severe and poorly handled emotional stress, but either way, scar tissue is the main culprit. And I feel like scar tissue is playing into all the pain and difficulties I've had since the obstruction. And since I can't do anything about scar tissue--it's just there and it doesn't go away--I feel helpless.

I keep praying to be healed, and things seem to be getting worse. I know that I see things very short-sightedly and God sees things longterm, but it's hard to trust. At our discipleship program last night, our friend who has metastisized (sp?) brain cancer in his bones said many wise things that felt like gifts to me, and one of them was knowing that we are not supposed to handle grief and fear and pain alone: we are meant to have help from God in order to get through. And I've definitely been trying to get through this on my own. Forgive me, Lord.

I'm very tempted today to just cancel my appointment with my current GI doc and set up an appointment with the doc in his department that I think I'd like better. I feel like my health is more important than the potential of someone's hurt feelings. Is that selfish? I would definitely write a letter to my current doc and say that I'm switching, but I just feel like I should have more hope about my Crohn's and some of that hope should be coming from my doc.

Please pray for me. Please pray a lot.

Bowel Obstruction No. 3

On Friday, October 5, in the middle of the night, I woke up with what felt like the beginnings of a bowel obstruction.

Now, you all already know this story, because I’ve talked to you or emailed you about it. So, why am I blogging about it? Because this blog is not only a way to stay in touch with all of you about my Crohn’s health, but also a way for me to keep track of my health, to discern patterns, to be honest about my health (or lack thereof).

Why has it taken me over a week to blog about this bowel obstruction? I mean, the catalyst for this entire blog was the last bowel obstruction I had.

It’s taken me so long to blog about it because I haven’t wanted to admit to myself that I had another one. Another bowel obstruction. Having another one makes me feel like… a failure? A slacker? A disappointment? It makes me feel like I’m spinning out of control, like all of this research I’ve being doing to keep my Crohn’s in check (i.e., drinking more water, taking walks after meals, using probiotics, not eating any snacks before bed, etc. etc. etc. AD NAUSEUM), all that research was for naught. It didn’t mean anything, because, and here’s the truth, I was taking good care of myself before this last bowel obstruction. I didn’t do anything wrong that Friday night. I was feeling great! The ONLY THING I can figure out that I did wrong was to have a slush puppie a couple of hours before bed. My meal was pasta, I took a long walk after dinner, I drank lots of water, I was open and honest about my emotions. The obstruction didn’t even happen during the usual time frame: they usually happen within two hours of finishing a meal. This one happened four hours after the slushie, five hours after the meal.

If I was a “glass half full” kind of gal, I’d say to myself, “Praise the Lord that it was only a partial obstruction, not a complete one. Praise God I was only in the hospital for 36 hours, instead of six days. And who knows how long I held off having a bowel obstruction, how all those things I’ve been learning and putting into process have been saving and improving my health in ways I’ll never know?”

But I’m a “glass half empty” kind of gal. I’m thinking “Why, God? Why now, when my husband is leaving to go out of town for six days and I’m in the hospital, unable to help him get ready to go and unable to spend those last hours together? Why did all my efforts to improve my Crohn’s go out the window? Why does this obstruction not have the characteristics of my others, leaving me unable to learn from it? Why do I try at all? Why don’t you heal me of Crohn’s?”

The truths that I am learning are that Crohn’s is a rascally disease. It does what it wants, when it wants. I can attempt to control the symptoms all I want, but the disease presses on or slows down on its own timetable. I’m learning that God is in control of timing. God is in control of what’s best for me and my husband, in ways that I may never understand. God is with me in my suffering, and He allows suffering for his own reasons, reasons that are not arbitrary but purposeful and loving.

I read this Psalm in the hospital, which I found in the lectionary for that day, after praying about the issues raised above:

O Lord, I am not proud;
I have no haughty looks.

I do not occupy myself with great matters,
or with things that are too hard for me.

But I still my soul and make it quiet,
like a child upon its mother’s breast;
my soul is quieted within me.

O Israel, wait upon the Lord,
from this time forth for evermore.

I don’t think God is asking for complacency, but I do think He is asking for trust.

Please, as I ask every time, continue to pray for me and my husband. Please pray for my health. I’ll do my best to keep you updated. Yesterday was a tough day, Crohn’s-wise. I wolfed down breakfast and felt bad the rest of the day. I need to keep taking it slow, to still myself.

Long time no write

I know, I know, it's been awhile.

I've been doing pretty well! I use the Crohn's chart to chart my symptoms every night, and I feel much more on top of things. I am drinking a lot of water these days but not exercising, so that's something to work on.

One exciting thing is that the physical therapy is progressing well. I have been going for two weeks now, and I have a series of exercises that I have to do daily, along with the twice-weekly appointments to have "massage" and monitored exercises. I don't know what to call my sessions, actually. They don't really massage me; you could say (as my husband noted) that they manually stretch some of my really tight muscles on the backs of my legs, by pushing and sliding down the muscles repeatedly while I have them in a stretched position. I almost passed out Wednesday from the pain of the therapist's manual stretching. So very painful. And she wasn't even pushing very hard! I have bruises now. I think they're going to have to go easier on me!

I've decided not to pursue the abdominal massage, even though the therapists want me to. I worry that my last flare was caused by abdominal massage, but I don't know. So much of Crohn's is unknown. You probably have learned that by now!

I'm working on strengthening my "trunk," which is very weak. I look forward to how I'll feel when my body is in much better shape.

Isolated event?

Thank you for your prayers.

The flare seems to have been an isolated event. I'm feeling fine now, though still keeping an eagle's eye on my food and well-being. I'm concerned about a heightened level of anxiety that's bothering me. I think it's because of a new antidepressant that I'm on, and hoping that the heightened anxiety will pass. I also hope that it won't affect my Crohn's as I deal with it.

I'm still not exercising as much as I should. I start physical therapy this week, twice per week. I want to work on my posture and my back pain. I have the back pain when I've walked for a long time, which makes me think it's because of the way that I walk. I've tried new shoes, a new speed, new climates, everything. And sure enough, the initial appointment at the physical therapist revealed that the right side of my pelvis (or hips, I can't remember) is less well-developed than my left side. And my body compensates. So, I'll be learning exercises to even my body out. Hopefully they won't exacerbate my Crohn's. I know that they will involve some stomach exercises, which scare me, but I really want to build up my core strength, because it's key to good posture, so we'll see how much I can handle.

There's so much change in my life right now. I don't always do a good job of handling it. I'm thankful for the drugs, for the physical therapist, for the gym membership, for the therapist. We'll see how God uses them to create healthy patterns in me.

Flare

Yup. I had a flare.

Saturday afternoon I started feeling hard in my intestines (I don't know how else to describe it), and it didn't lessen but it didn't get worse. I tried to take a walk, to relax, but we had a busy day. We were at a baseball game, and went from there out to eat with friends. I thought eating might help. I had some bread and parmesan cheese and oil, and then a tomato and american bacon pizza. It was downhill from there.

We took a brisk walk around a nearby lake and then drove home. All through the drive home, I was having what felt like fireworks in my intestines, sharp pinpricks of pain that happened especially when I would breath in. It felt like I'd swallowed pins and needles, or burrs, and they were puncturing me or scraping me inside. And I was still having that hard feeling, along with intense gas buildup that wasn't releasing. I needed to lie down.

I got home and laid down and that make the pinpricking stop. I breathed deeply. I tried to massage my abdomen a tiny bit. I took two Maalox. I tried to be calm. The pain was not coming in waves, like it did for my bowel obstructions, so I was comforted by that. I tried to breathe calmly and slowly and think calm thoughts, loosening the muscles in my body to calm all my bodily processes.

It calmed down enough for me to sleep, but I wasn't comfortable enough to roll onto my side. I felt like I needed to stay on my back to keep my abdomen open and to give everything enough room to move around. If I rolled onto one side, the gas/food would buildup at a swollen juncture and the pain would increase. (Of course, these descriptions of what's happening inside my body are largely composed of my own visions of what's happening inside of me, slightly influenced by actual facts from doctors and websites, but mostly made up of my imagination and instincts).

I woke up feeling pretty good. Things were passing, if you know what I mean. I had a Boost for breakfast, and cereal and toast for lunch. I tried to walk slowly after meals and stay calm. I felt really discouraged about this flare.

What caused it? I can think of several reasons, but nothing obvious, which probably means that it's just my Crohn's, which is discouraging.

Potential reasons:

--My husband and I had an intense conversation Friday night.
--I was frantic and stressed on the way to the ball game and ate on the way, eating strawberries.
--I sat in the car and then sat during the game (not a lot of movement to keep my bowels moving).
--Tomatos and bacon are both "caution" items in my Crohn's eating book, because of the skin and the red meat qualities (respectively), and I ate them both when I wasn't feeling well to begin with.
--The brisk walk after dinner was much brisker that I'm used to (two or three times the pace of our usual walks), and may have stirred things up too much.
--I've been feeling anxious lately.
--I wasn't able to lay down or pass gas when I needed to, because of social (eating out and taking a walk with friends) or environmental (car) restrictions.

So, there's my analysis. I'm taking it easy with food and trying to not be stressed, taking more drugs if necessary. I'm trying to sleep more and not be frantic.

And it really shook me up that I didn't call out to the Lord during that time of pain and frustration; I took care of myself by myself. Why didn't I call out? I hate just contacting God when I'm having trouble; I feel ashamed of that. Maybe I wanted to avoid the shame. But the thing is, I can't get through this without the Lord, without His healing and his comfort and direction.

Please pray for me, that this was an isolated incident and that I'd know how to take care of myself in the aftermath. The firework pain was new and frightening.

Not the best

So, we had a very stressful week last week, mostly because of my husband's job duties. He worked long hours, including an overnight retreat, and we had 13 college students to our tiny apartment for a meal that my husband and I prepared.

And there were the storms. I don't like storms, especially when my husband is out of town and I'm supposed to be cleaning the house and preparing the dinner.

And I still haven't found a therapist and I haven't been trying very hard. It's hard to go into therapy again. I was in it during my parents' divorce, and it's just hard to be vulnerable and open about my issues, and be willing to take advise and counsel about changes I should make. I dread it. I'm not panicking about it, which is what I did during June and July.

Anyway.

My Crohn's must be working out all that stress from the last few weeks and taking it out on my intestines. I have had problems for the past few days, and this morning I woke up with gas and discomfort, an unusual situation (I usually have problems starting in the afternoon at the earliest, as I've mentioned).

So, it's frustrating but understandable. I'm going to do what I've learned to do: sleep more, eat safe foods, exercise, drink enough water, not snack too much or eat too late. And go to a therapist.

I feel so close to healing. That sounds strange, but it's almost like I feel like there are steps that I need to take in order to either be healed of Crohn's or receive peace about it. One of the steps was the dental work. One of the steps was the psychiatric drugs for depression and anxiety. One step is going to be seeing a therapist about my besetting issues, things underlying my life that cause me conscious or unconscious stress.

I called a therapist this morning for an appointment, so I hope he can fit me in. Please pray for me. For relief from pain, for patience, for courage.

Nothing new

Well, folks, nothing new on this front.

My diarrhea has calmed down, which is great. I'm feeling much better. And I am also happy to not be drinking so much Gatorade anymore, because I don't really like it. It takes kind of slimey to me.

I'm keeping up my Crohn's chart, and I feel like that's really helpful for me. I love the format, which my husband designed, and it's great to look forward to someday looking over these charts and seeing patterns (i.e., "hmmm... when I am traveling I have lots of constipation!). Should be helpful. I may even bring it in to my doctor.

I guess some big news to share would be that we are going to switch insurance in January, to get onto my husband's plan. It's an HMO, which will be nice and also not nice. I was so anxious about switching over to a PPO last year because I thought it would cost a lot of money, and while it has cost more money, it's also been SO NICE to not have to mess with referrals and be able to go see whichever doctor I want, when I want. Some of the care my husband and I are receiving now will definitely change in payment and frequency: my husband's chiropractor, my psychiatrist, my therapist (when I pick one). We'll see what God has in store.

I think the PPO was good for this year with all my dental and emotional stuff and my husband's back and feet problems, but hopefully that will calm down next year and we'll be able to revel in the 100% coverage of many services. For now, I'm happy to have reached my deductible and almost reached the out of pocket maximum, so we won't have a lot of extra bills to pay through December.

Sorry about the boring details. It's good for me to write it out.

100th post

In Blogland, your 100th post is a big deal.

Whatever.

I see this blog more as a medical journal than a personal endeavor, so I'm not as jazzed about the numbers. I just noticed it and thought I would mention it.

I'm doing great, Crohn's-wise. No pain, no cramps, not even any more diarrhea. I took a day off last week and took a 4 hour nap, without even trying. It was good to rest. Then, yesterday, I accidentally took another 4 hour nap. There went my whole Sunday afternoon. I guess I've been needing it. Sleep is really the way my body recovers from stress.

My husband has created a beautiful and functional chart for me to chart my Crohn's symptoms on. It's really exciting. I might have to find a way to post it. I hope that it will help me be more accurate in doctor's appointments and maybe discover some lifestyle trends that affect my Crohn's, and then act accordingly. We'll see.

Thank God for sleep. Thank God for your prayers.

I spoke too soon

Today is Day Three of diarrhea. I am perplexed, especially because I feel just fine otherwise--no pain or cramping. I don't know what could be causing it, other than stress and the fact that I'm not altering my diet very much. I just assumed it was Crohn's, so I didn't think I should treat it like typical diarrhea (AKA eating rice, bananas, applesauce, toast, etc.).

But maybe I should alter my game plan.

I don't want to get dehydrated, so I'm drinking Gatorade instead of water. I'm taking Probiotics every morning, which are supposed to help with restoring my good stomach bacteria and stopping diarrhea. I'm changing what I eat today: no more leftover pizza and mac and cheese for lunch. I'm going to have rice and chicken and some tomato soup. And applesauce.

I wonder if it's a stomach bug. I wonder if it's stress. I wonder if it's the fact that I'm not getting enough sleep. Mostly I wonder and worry that it's my Crohn's rearing its ugly head after taking a break.

Sigh.

Please pray.

Too Much Information?

It has been a long time since I last posted.

Things have been very busy in our lives. And my Crohn's has not been active--yippee! I have been having some diarrhea for the past week, on and off, which concerns me, but no pain. Praise the Lord!

The new drugs I'm on for anxiety and panic are working well. I feel like my mind has quieted down so much. I still plan to do some therapy to see what is going on, deep inside, but I feel much more prepared to step forward with that.

My husband started his new job on Wednesday, and that's been exciting and new and different. Also stressful for both of us, so we've been needing a lot more sleep and downtime. But that's okay.

I would like to create a chart to chart my Crohn's. It would be a much more visual way of seeing how my Crohn's is doing. It would look something like the charts we use for birth control.

Anyway, I'll keep you all posted on my progress, but for now, praise the Lord! He has given me some rest from the pain.

Blue Buttons

My mother will hate this title, but it's simply the first one that came to mind. I want to be more creative about titling, and I've always had a gift of instantly coming up with completely random words or phrases upon request. So why is titling my blog entries so hard for me?

Perhaps because this blog covers only one part of my personhood: my health. And that part of me is not as full of humor as the rest of me: it's logical, it's anxious, it's obsessive, it's stubborn, it's extremely resistant to risk, and it's very fearful. Not my best qualities, but definitely qualities that belong to me.

And you guys get to hear all about this. I worry that I'm not keeping in good enough touch with some of you for you to get a full picture of me, of how I'm doing as a whole person these days. While a lot of me is wrapped up in health--both mental and physical--concerns, there's a lot else going on.

I'll just give you a taste of my life:

I have an amazingly patient and creative husband that I love so much. He and I are growing closer every day.

I have some very close friends that live very far away and I'm terrible at keeping in touch with them. Same goes for my family. This pains me.

I have a group of two other women that I meet with about 2 or 3 times a month for mutual discipleship, and it's so fulfilling for me.

I am learning more about God's unfailing love for me and thought this morning about the mystery and wonder of his Holy Spirit living in me, making my body a temple.

I am enjoying my job and the added responsibilities that I was handed at my last annual review.

The weather has cooled down after days of humid heat and it was beautiful today, my husband said: a bright blue sky with fluffy clouds, the sun rising over the roof of the house he's working on these days.

My husband and I are going out to a play this weekend with some friends and I'm really excited. I love these friends and am intrigued by this playwright.

I'm so looking forward to going to see my in-laws in a week. I look forward to rest and refreshment in their loving care.

I'm re-reading my favorite book series: the Laurie R. King books about Mary Russell. I'm obsessed with them.

This morning I was really sad that I can't have Honey Bunches of Oats anymore: too much ruffage for my intestines.

I hate my hair right now and need a haircut but will complain about it for another week or two before actually doing something about it. It's one of my cute quirks (right, hubby?).

There are some big things going on in our life right now, some potentially large life changes that frighten and excite me. They bring me to prayer often, but not often enough.

I'm learning about marriage, about God, about obsession, about trust, about joy, about dreams and goals in this time. And my Crohn's is okay, and my anxiety and obsession flutters about my head, but I'm living my life. And all this, of course, is just a taste. I look forward to talking to all of you (or emailing) sometime soon about your lives and my life, in full.

Titles are back!

For the record, I had a perfect birthday. My husband planned the perfect evening for me, making a beautiful meal and even my favorite/traditional birthday cake: carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. And he bought me four of the movies that I've been dying to have (MI III and the X-Men Trilogy), and then we watched one of them after dinner. It was special and casual and familiar. Perfect. He's an amazing man.

And in Crohn's related news: the carrot cake (with pineapple) didn't give me any problems. And we discovered that Philly cream cheese doesn't have very much lactose in it, so that was exciting as well. Praise the Lord for his little blessings to me.

Well, I can't seem to create a title for this post. Oh well.

It's my birthday. I am glad, yes, but I also usually struggle with a large amount of melancholy on my birthday. It feels like a whole year went by and I missed opportunities to spend time with my grandparents, with others I love but keep in poor touch with. I feel older and unable to turn back and remedy past reasons for regret. Just how I've always been.

I met some great people (some of my husband's cousins) yesterday and in trying to get to know me, they asked what things I like to do, hobbies, etc. I couldn't think of anything. I said I like to read, I am working on my marriage and my relationship with God, and I mostly enjoy my job. I wish I could have had something interested to say. How was I really spending my time?

It was afterwards in the car that I realized: one big "hobby" right now is my health. I think about it constantly, monitoring my Crohn's, my emotional health, my food intake, my weight, the impact all this is having on my marriage, etc. It's all-consuming.

Do I really want my life to be that way? It sounds so empty, so short-sighted. So uninteresting.

Do I have a choice? A chronic illness sort of takes over one's life. A certain amount of monitoring becomes necessary simply to survive. And if we're working toward goals of finding out if we can have children biologically (at least, if my Crohn's can calm down enough for us to try), then having my health be my hobby is a very concrete goal that could expand into a vocational goal: that of being a mother.

So, I will continue on in this new year of my life with health as my hobby, working toward my concrete goal, but with a conscious effort to look around and not get caught up in the minutae of this hobby, kind of like a video gamer can get with his/her hobby.

Almost calm

I just wanted to do a little "emotional update."

I'm doing well on these new drugs. They will probably be the right fit for me.

I did have a moment of extra anxiety yesterday, however, when I was looking for the pills I can take extra of when I'm having a panic attack, and I noticed the labels of both pill bottles. I noticed that I have been mistaking one for the other, taking one with the frequency of the other. That means that the first day taking them, I took the correct dose, but the second day I took one-and-a-half times the amount of the stronger drug (the longterm one) than I should have, and half as much of the "bridge drug," the one that bridges the gap of waiting for the longerm drug to work, which I can take almost as needed.

YIKES!

So, I called my psychiatrist (on the fourth of July, poor thing) and she said it's okay. I just flooded my brain with too much seratonin and was probably feeling extra anxious (YES). She instructed me to go back to the initial dose amount and take that for a few extra days before building up to the next level. And she said to take the "bridge drug" to get over this hump. Whew! I was worried that I'd have to have my stomach pumped or something (obviously, I was a little anxious and out of my mind ;)).

So, I'm feeling better. Still a little anxious, but not too bad. I am learning a few things that trigger my panic attacks--one of them is high-intensity movies. Anything that gets my heart beating fast out of fear or excitement tends to get my mind also moving fast and obsessive thoughts start racing.

But my Crohn's is just fine! Praise the Lord! I sometimes wonder if I'll have a MAJOR flare when my mind gets back to calm, but I really can't think that way.

I read this verse this morning in the Lectionary, and greatly desire God's help to do it in my own life:

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

From Ps. 131