Now, you all already know this story, because I’ve talked to you or emailed you about it. So, why am I blogging about it? Because this blog is not only a way to stay in touch with all of you about my Crohn’s health, but also a way for me to keep track of my health, to discern patterns, to be honest about my health (or lack thereof).
Why has it taken me over a week to blog about this bowel obstruction? I mean, the catalyst for this entire blog was the last bowel obstruction I had.
It’s taken me so long to blog about it because I haven’t wanted to admit to myself that I had another one. Another bowel obstruction. Having another one makes me feel like… a failure? A slacker? A disappointment? It makes me feel like I’m spinning out of control, like all of this research I’ve being doing to keep my Crohn’s in check (i.e., drinking more water, taking walks after meals, using probiotics, not eating any snacks before bed, etc. etc. etc. AD NAUSEUM), all that research was for naught. It didn’t mean anything, because, and here’s the truth, I was taking good care of myself before this last bowel obstruction. I didn’t do anything wrong that Friday night. I was feeling great! The ONLY THING I can figure out that I did wrong was to have a slush puppie a couple of hours before bed. My meal was pasta, I took a long walk after dinner, I drank lots of water, I was open and honest about my emotions. The obstruction didn’t even happen during the usual time frame: they usually happen within two hours of finishing a meal. This one happened four hours after the slushie, five hours after the meal.
If I was a “glass half full” kind of gal, I’d say to myself, “Praise the Lord that it was only a partial obstruction, not a complete one. Praise God I was only in the hospital for 36 hours, instead of six days. And who knows how long I held off having a bowel obstruction, how all those things I’ve been learning and putting into process have been saving and improving my health in ways I’ll never know?”
But I’m a “glass half empty” kind of gal. I’m thinking “Why, God? Why now, when my husband is leaving to go out of town for six days and I’m in the hospital, unable to help him get ready to go and unable to spend those last hours together? Why did all my efforts to improve my Crohn’s go out the window? Why does this obstruction not have the characteristics of my others, leaving me unable to learn from it? Why do I try at all? Why don’t you heal me of Crohn’s?”
The truths that I am learning are that Crohn’s is a rascally disease. It does what it wants, when it wants. I can attempt to control the symptoms all I want, but the disease presses on or slows down on its own timetable. I’m learning that God is in control of timing. God is in control of what’s best for me and my husband, in ways that I may never understand. God is with me in my suffering, and He allows suffering for his own reasons, reasons that are not arbitrary but purposeful and loving.
I read this Psalm in the hospital, which I found in the lectionary for that day, after praying about the issues raised above:
O Lord, I am not proud;
I have no haughty looks.
I do not occupy myself with great matters,
or with things that are too hard for me.
But I still my soul and make it quiet,
like a child upon its mother’s breast;
my soul is quieted within me.
O Israel, wait upon the Lord,
from this time forth for evermore.
I don’t think God is asking for complacency, but I do think He is asking for trust.
Please, as I ask every time, continue to pray for me and my husband. Please pray for my health. I’ll do my best to keep you updated. Yesterday was a tough day, Crohn’s-wise. I wolfed down breakfast and felt bad the rest of the day. I need to keep taking it slow, to still myself.
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