Quick update

Not feeling the best today. I had pain (painful gas, perhaps) after breakfast this morning, and it's taking awhile to work out. Frustrating, especially since I'm at work and can't do anything about helping the "passing."

Monday night was a flare, I think. I had painful, sharp gas inside my intestines that took awhile to work out and I was sore in my abdomen when I woke up, as if I was recovering from whatever had happened.

I'm definitely feeling despair about my Crohn's. I feel like things are just going to get worse. I keep remembering how the GI doc who was taking care of me in the hospital said that the bowel obstruction didn't have inflammation involved, so it must have been scar tissue mixed with a bad food choice. I'd say that it was more about scar tissue mixed with severe and poorly handled emotional stress, but either way, scar tissue is the main culprit. And I feel like scar tissue is playing into all the pain and difficulties I've had since the obstruction. And since I can't do anything about scar tissue--it's just there and it doesn't go away--I feel helpless.

I keep praying to be healed, and things seem to be getting worse. I know that I see things very short-sightedly and God sees things longterm, but it's hard to trust. At our discipleship program last night, our friend who has metastisized (sp?) brain cancer in his bones said many wise things that felt like gifts to me, and one of them was knowing that we are not supposed to handle grief and fear and pain alone: we are meant to have help from God in order to get through. And I've definitely been trying to get through this on my own. Forgive me, Lord.

I'm very tempted today to just cancel my appointment with my current GI doc and set up an appointment with the doc in his department that I think I'd like better. I feel like my health is more important than the potential of someone's hurt feelings. Is that selfish? I would definitely write a letter to my current doc and say that I'm switching, but I just feel like I should have more hope about my Crohn's and some of that hope should be coming from my doc.

Please pray for me. Please pray a lot.