Anxiety

Well, my anxiety has been getting worse and worse, so I finally decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I made the appointment yesterday to meet with someone MONDAY. I just really need to talk to a Christian, someone who could be holistic in her approach and consider any spiritual warfare possibilities, etc., and someone who could pray with and/or for me.

But I couldn't wait until Monday to see someone, because I was having so much trouble with panic and anxiety. So, I was able to see someone last night after work, because of a cancellation, and that doc prescribed some Xanax to tide me over until the psychiatrist can prescribe something more suited to what's going on.

The Xanax seems to be working, which is nice. It's not one of those drugs that you have to wait a long time to work. However, I googled it this afternoon (BAD idea, self) and found out that there's a risk of dependence, but honestly, I need to take what works and trust that God will watch over me, even over the drug choices that my doctor makes.

I also received prayer from a prayer minister from our church last night. We were at his house for a picnic, and as the party was breaking up, I nervously asked him if he would pray for me. He and my husband prayed, and it was a powerful experience, one I'm still unpacking. I'm so thankful to believe in a powerful God and participate in a loving Church community that believes in healing prayer. Their prayer gave me much-needed perspective and encouragement, and as I think about it right now, I realize that God even chose the specific prayer minister for me to be in contact with, because he has similar issues. They both had such powerful, specific, helpful images come to mind in the prayer, especially my husband, that I was so blessed by and am keeping in my heart and mind today.

I have a hard time with perspective in general, and especially now that I am having panic and anxiety issues, so I hope that God will preserve that newfound perspective in me. I need to keep my eyes on the cross, eyes on Jesus, my heart and mind and soul and eyes on the person of Jesus. He is my savior.

A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, "If you are willing, you can make me clean."
Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cured.

from Mark 40

May the Lord be filled with compassion for me and continue to make me clean.

Exercise, for the record

I had such a good time on the elliptical at the gym last Friday, but was worried about its effects on my Crohn's. I also ended up having a flare after breakfast Saturday morning, and wondered if it could be connected to the exercise (because my meal didn't seem risky). I haven't worked up a sweat exercising in a long time, and wondered if that could trigger a flare, so I called my GI nurse (who would ask my doc if necessary, which is my standard mode of communication with him).

She just called back and said that the general rule with Crohn's patients who exercise is to start very slow and work their way up in intensity. If I have a reaction, I should stop immediately. She said that exercise can trigger a flare, and it would probably happen afterwards, so the Saturday morning flare could have been caused by the exercise.

I've been going to the gym, starting slow, I thought, but I guess I need to slow back down. So disappointing. Oh well. I'll go back and go slow, and maybe if I remain constant, I can work my way up.

My husband and I feel like the benefits of exercise would benefit Crohn's: releasing of endorphines, stronger heart, stress relief, etc. I'll just go slower (I'm definitely good at that!).

I also felt like I made some headway with my anxiety this weekend. I'm still struggling with it, but learning to depend even more fully on the Lord. I am experiencing his love even in the midst of this, and recognizing a work that he's doing in my heart and mind, bringing up old hurts and helping me deal with them with my husband. How do I know that it's God doing all this? I can't explain it, but I feel like I see a divine hand over this, as well as the influence of that which is not God, creating havoc around all of this healing, using my body chemistry to aggravate my anxiety.

But I feel like I'm experiencing great spiritual healing, perhaps amid physical healing. I think back to the time I took Eucharist at church and felt God was saying that my healing would come through my mouth. There are so many things that could mean, but I feel there's a connection to my dentist work, to my oral surgery, and now that that's all taken care of, perhaps I have some hard core healing on the way. Only God knows.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord...

Doc Update

I just got home from the doc, and it was a great time!

Unbelievable!

It's almost like he's reading my blog... hmm...

Anyway, he was kind and welcoming. He was even encouraging. He scared me a little bit, but not too badly. I hope that I presented my symptoms correctly, because he wasn't overly dire about it.

I told him that I'm having diarrhea, gas (tho not this week), and lots and lots of anxiety. I said that there have been lots of things going on in my life, including the ongoing anxiety, that might be affecting my Crohn's, or it could be a Crohn's flare, unrelated to all that. I didn't know. He said firstly that Entocort is not a long term solution, which he's said before, so if these symptoms that I'm having don't go away, we'll have to talk about other medications or possibly surgery. He said (and I was surprised to hear this) that in that case, of non-improvement, he'd like to try Remicade again, or possibly Humira, which is a newer biological drug that does the same things in the same way that Remicade does, only using human cells instead of mouse cells, which greatly lessens the chances of resistance and allergy to it.

I have taken Remicade in the past, but was taken off it because one of my lymph nodes swelled up and my primary care doc thought it might be because of the Remicade. I wasn't sure that was the case, but I ended up agreeing with the hemotologist I was sent to, who concluded that I didn't have lymphoma and my lymph node was probably swollen because it was busy trying to calm down my Crohn's. ;) Part of the evidence of this is that my lymph node does that every now and then (it's swollen right now, in fact).

So, the doc today was very encouraging. He recognized that Remicade didn't do much for me in the past, but that I can try it again and see if it'll work better this time. And if Remicade doesn't work, I can try Humira. He also encouraged me to research new studies that have come out, showing from trials that Remicade's bad side effects might not be as bad as originally suspected. They were done at the University of Chicago, some of them done by an old doc of mine. However, the trials I found online don't say that, they say that the risk is what I always heard it was: greater chance of cancers, including lymphoma. Anyway...

So, very exciting. Praise the Lord!

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.

Lots of blogging

I'm doing lots of blogging lately, because I have much to blog about. My Crohn's is active.

Well, I just wrote a huge blog about how much I am dreading having to have surgery, but then decided that (1) I don't know that I'll be having surgery, (2) thinking about it makes me really anxious, so (3) I'm not going to go there until I really have to go there.

God may use surgery to heal my Crohn's, or to keep me stable, but He will have to prepare me when that time comes. I don't need to borrow trouble. Boy, am I good at that.

I'm feeling pretty good, have been for a few days. Still having diarrhea, which is worrisome, but what are you going to do? Keep eating, try and sneak in insoluable fiber, and take the probiotics (they're supposed to help with diarrhea, among other things).

The main problem right now continues to be the anxiety. I'm praying a lot and reading and memorizing Scripture, and that's really helpful. I also cry when I need to and talk to my husband and friends about it. Yesterday, one of my friends told me about Psalm 13, and I found it was perfect. Thank you, Jesus.

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Docs and Anxiety

I had a good weekend after a tough week last week with my Crohn's. I took it easy on Friday with what I ate--even having Boost for lunch--and the weekend went well. Praise God!

The big issue lately is my anxiety problems. It is consuming. I am trying to relax (and sleep) and pray more often. I should get back into exercising, too. I really want to have God's words in my mind, combatting the irrational, illogical thoughts. It's just so exhausting to have all this anxiety, and I'm sure it affects my Crohn's negatively, but I can't just stop it. Please pray.

I am still having diarrhea more than I'd like. I go to the doc on Thursday at 4pm, so we'll see what he thinks. I dread seeing him this time, as I've mentioned before. My husband and I agree that it's time for me to find someone new, perhaps even someone who will help me to be healed. Someone who'll listen to me on the phone and not be patronizing or exasperated. Someone who'll explain himself/herself to me more fully so that I can understand his/her goals for treating me. Someone who'll be gentle and kind and welcoming. Someone who'll be encouraging and firm. My eyes tear up thinking about this possibility, proof that I need to switch. Even if the new doc is better in only a few ways, it will be an improvement.

Bad night

Another bad night last night. Lots of gas, which is different than a night of Crohn's pain, but still uncomfortable. I feel calmer about gas, because I feel like it means that I ate something that didn't agree with my Crohn's-riddled intestines. I could be wrong, but there it is.

It's also different than other Crohn's pain in that it doesn't happen within two hours of eating. It starts a few hours after eating the problem item, and then continues for a long time, even longer if I spend part of that time period at work or somewhere that doesn't allow me to "work it out."

I'll definitely have to bring it up with my gastro doc. I see him for a follow-up on June 21. I'm worried about the appointment. Please pray.

Fine

Wow, I am so creative with the titles of these posts. I should copyright them. ;)

Things are going... fine. Okay. Nothing great, nothing terrible. I've had a couple of evenings in the last week and a half with significant gas inside, painful, and that's confusing and frustrating. My Crohn's is ebbing and flowing with my anxieties, without the Entocort to help it, and that's frustrating. I started my food diary again because I have been having diarrhea and these episodes of gassiness, and I don't know why. Perhaps it's the food I'm eating. Perhaps it's stress. I don't know, but I'm so frustrated (did I mention that?) and hopeless about it (which doesn't help my Crohn's, which is frustrating... An endless cycle).

Please pray. Pray that God will heal me. I want to have kids, I want to eat without fear, I want to try to live a normal, healthy life.

feeling better

Yup, I'm feeling much better. Yesterday I still felt a little weird and so I watched what I ate. I think that helped a lot. Plus, we had a lot to do in the evening to distract me from my "tummy."

Thank you for your prayers. I'm hoping that I'm over the hump.

Not right

Something is not right--still--with my Crohn's. Last night (and evening) was a difficult night: I had a lot of gas inside that didn't move much. It would have been like a bowel obstruction:

(1) if it had started within two hours of eating something (instead, it started building after lunch and was at its worst right before dinner, five hours after lunch);

(2) if there had been intense cramping that escalated and then resolved with a bowel movement or passing gas (instead, there was no intense peristalsis, just a buildup of gas that didn't seem to move very quickly and just got more and more tight in my intestines. It finally began to move in a more productive manner and I eventually passed gas etc., which helped but didn't 100% relieve the gas/pain, like usual);

and (3) if I woke up feeling great this morning (I didn't. I still felt crampy but was able to pass gas etc. so I feel okay this morning but not nearly as good as I feel in the mornings, which are usually my best times).

So, it's discouraging. I woke in the night (b/c of a dream, not b/c of any pain) and had trouble falling back asleep because I kept thinking about what my doc would say if I said that I'm having trouble. I think he would send me in for that new CT scan that he told me about before. I wish I could stay on Entocort, because it helps me so much, but he prefers surgery to long term steroid use. I either have to trust his judgment or get a second opinion. And getting a second opinion might make changing doctors easier. I'm just less and less satisfied with the way he treats me and really want to switch doctors, but am still worried (as I've said before) about the stress inherent in switching doctors and finding someone that will treat me with respect and treat my Crohn's intelligently.

Please pray for me today.

Boost

I'm not feeling the best today, and haven't been for most of the weekend (afternoons and evenings). I'm feeling "Crohn's-y," which means that I have pain that doesn't just feel like gas or something like that. It is pain that is unique to Crohn's flare-ups/troubles.

I wouldn't say I'm having a flare-up, necessarily. Unless a flare-up lasts over time. I just am struggling to find foods that don't bother me. And I can think of several reasons for this (it's important for me to think this through, as you've learned by now):

1. It's just my Crohn's acting up and there's nothing I'm doing to cause it.

2. I'm finished with the Entocort now and it's probably almost completely out of my system.

3. [my strongest explanation) I'm processing--in that delayed, delayed way I have--all the stress and worrying and anxiety that I experienced the week(s) leading up to my wisdom teeth surgery. My first obstruction happened two weeks after our wedding (very stressful week), my second happened two weeks after a very stressful Holy Week at church. It's now two weeks after my surgery. Hmm...

So, I'm going to try and use the information I've gained about the way my Crohn's works: I'm going to eat as if I'm having a lot more trouble than I actually am, preventatively (meaning, no exotic foods); I'm going to exercise regularly; I'm going to pray a lot (so that I don't just do all this myself); I'm going to drink lots of water; I'm going to do relaxation exercises; and most importantly, I'm not going to be anxious about this.

We'll see how this works. I need to remain calm and not anticipate the worst (SO much easier said than done). I think I'm actually doing very well considering how much stress I put myself under. I mean, I was on Entocort both times I had the obstructions, and that's the only drug that seems to help.

I'll keep monitoring and see how I feel. I scheduled a doc appt with my gastro on June 21 (they didn't have any earlier than that), so hopefully I'll be feeling great by then, over the hump.

Thank you for your prayers.