My mother will hate this title, but it's simply the first one that came to mind. I want to be more creative about titling, and I've always had a gift of instantly coming up with completely random words or phrases upon request. So why is titling my blog entries so hard for me?
Perhaps because this blog covers only one part of my personhood: my health. And that part of me is not as full of humor as the rest of me: it's logical, it's anxious, it's obsessive, it's stubborn, it's extremely resistant to risk, and it's very fearful. Not my best qualities, but definitely qualities that belong to me.
And you guys get to hear all about this. I worry that I'm not keeping in good enough touch with some of you for you to get a full picture of me, of how I'm doing as a whole person these days. While a lot of me is wrapped up in health--both mental and physical--concerns, there's a lot else going on.
I'll just give you a taste of my life:
I have an amazingly patient and creative husband that I love so much. He and I are growing closer every day.
I have some very close friends that live very far away and I'm terrible at keeping in touch with them. Same goes for my family. This pains me.
I have a group of two other women that I meet with about 2 or 3 times a month for mutual discipleship, and it's so fulfilling for me.
I am learning more about God's unfailing love for me and thought this morning about the mystery and wonder of his Holy Spirit living in me, making my body a temple.
I am enjoying my job and the added responsibilities that I was handed at my last annual review.
The weather has cooled down after days of humid heat and it was beautiful today, my husband said: a bright blue sky with fluffy clouds, the sun rising over the roof of the house he's working on these days.
My husband and I are going out to a play this weekend with some friends and I'm really excited. I love these friends and am intrigued by this playwright.
I'm so looking forward to going to see my in-laws in a week. I look forward to rest and refreshment in their loving care.
I'm re-reading my favorite book series: the Laurie R. King books about Mary Russell. I'm obsessed with them.
This morning I was really sad that I can't have Honey Bunches of Oats anymore: too much ruffage for my intestines.
I hate my hair right now and need a haircut but will complain about it for another week or two before actually doing something about it. It's one of my cute quirks (right, hubby?).
There are some big things going on in our life right now, some potentially large life changes that frighten and excite me. They bring me to prayer often, but not often enough.
I'm learning about marriage, about God, about obsession, about trust, about joy, about dreams and goals in this time. And my Crohn's is okay, and my anxiety and obsession flutters about my head, but I'm living my life. And all this, of course, is just a taste. I look forward to talking to all of you (or emailing) sometime soon about your lives and my life, in full.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Titles are back!
For the record, I had a perfect birthday. My husband planned the perfect evening for me, making a beautiful meal and even my favorite/traditional birthday cake: carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. And he bought me four of the movies that I've been dying to have (MI III and the X-Men Trilogy), and then we watched one of them after dinner. It was special and casual and familiar. Perfect. He's an amazing man.
And in Crohn's related news: the carrot cake (with pineapple) didn't give me any problems. And we discovered that Philly cream cheese doesn't have very much lactose in it, so that was exciting as well. Praise the Lord for his little blessings to me.
And in Crohn's related news: the carrot cake (with pineapple) didn't give me any problems. And we discovered that Philly cream cheese doesn't have very much lactose in it, so that was exciting as well. Praise the Lord for his little blessings to me.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Well, I can't seem to create a title for this post. Oh well.
It's my birthday. I am glad, yes, but I also usually struggle with a large amount of melancholy on my birthday. It feels like a whole year went by and I missed opportunities to spend time with my grandparents, with others I love but keep in poor touch with. I feel older and unable to turn back and remedy past reasons for regret. Just how I've always been.
I met some great people (some of my husband's cousins) yesterday and in trying to get to know me, they asked what things I like to do, hobbies, etc. I couldn't think of anything. I said I like to read, I am working on my marriage and my relationship with God, and I mostly enjoy my job. I wish I could have had something interested to say. How was I really spending my time?
It was afterwards in the car that I realized: one big "hobby" right now is my health. I think about it constantly, monitoring my Crohn's, my emotional health, my food intake, my weight, the impact all this is having on my marriage, etc. It's all-consuming.
Do I really want my life to be that way? It sounds so empty, so short-sighted. So uninteresting.
Do I have a choice? A chronic illness sort of takes over one's life. A certain amount of monitoring becomes necessary simply to survive. And if we're working toward goals of finding out if we can have children biologically (at least, if my Crohn's can calm down enough for us to try), then having my health be my hobby is a very concrete goal that could expand into a vocational goal: that of being a mother.
So, I will continue on in this new year of my life with health as my hobby, working toward my concrete goal, but with a conscious effort to look around and not get caught up in the minutae of this hobby, kind of like a video gamer can get with his/her hobby.
It's my birthday. I am glad, yes, but I also usually struggle with a large amount of melancholy on my birthday. It feels like a whole year went by and I missed opportunities to spend time with my grandparents, with others I love but keep in poor touch with. I feel older and unable to turn back and remedy past reasons for regret. Just how I've always been.
I met some great people (some of my husband's cousins) yesterday and in trying to get to know me, they asked what things I like to do, hobbies, etc. I couldn't think of anything. I said I like to read, I am working on my marriage and my relationship with God, and I mostly enjoy my job. I wish I could have had something interested to say. How was I really spending my time?
It was afterwards in the car that I realized: one big "hobby" right now is my health. I think about it constantly, monitoring my Crohn's, my emotional health, my food intake, my weight, the impact all this is having on my marriage, etc. It's all-consuming.
Do I really want my life to be that way? It sounds so empty, so short-sighted. So uninteresting.
Do I have a choice? A chronic illness sort of takes over one's life. A certain amount of monitoring becomes necessary simply to survive. And if we're working toward goals of finding out if we can have children biologically (at least, if my Crohn's can calm down enough for us to try), then having my health be my hobby is a very concrete goal that could expand into a vocational goal: that of being a mother.
So, I will continue on in this new year of my life with health as my hobby, working toward my concrete goal, but with a conscious effort to look around and not get caught up in the minutae of this hobby, kind of like a video gamer can get with his/her hobby.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Almost calm
I just wanted to do a little "emotional update."
I'm doing well on these new drugs. They will probably be the right fit for me.
I did have a moment of extra anxiety yesterday, however, when I was looking for the pills I can take extra of when I'm having a panic attack, and I noticed the labels of both pill bottles. I noticed that I have been mistaking one for the other, taking one with the frequency of the other. That means that the first day taking them, I took the correct dose, but the second day I took one-and-a-half times the amount of the stronger drug (the longterm one) than I should have, and half as much of the "bridge drug," the one that bridges the gap of waiting for the longerm drug to work, which I can take almost as needed.
YIKES!
So, I called my psychiatrist (on the fourth of July, poor thing) and she said it's okay. I just flooded my brain with too much seratonin and was probably feeling extra anxious (YES). She instructed me to go back to the initial dose amount and take that for a few extra days before building up to the next level. And she said to take the "bridge drug" to get over this hump. Whew! I was worried that I'd have to have my stomach pumped or something (obviously, I was a little anxious and out of my mind ;)).
So, I'm feeling better. Still a little anxious, but not too bad. I am learning a few things that trigger my panic attacks--one of them is high-intensity movies. Anything that gets my heart beating fast out of fear or excitement tends to get my mind also moving fast and obsessive thoughts start racing.
But my Crohn's is just fine! Praise the Lord! I sometimes wonder if I'll have a MAJOR flare when my mind gets back to calm, but I really can't think that way.
I read this verse this morning in the Lectionary, and greatly desire God's help to do it in my own life:
From Ps. 131
I'm doing well on these new drugs. They will probably be the right fit for me.
I did have a moment of extra anxiety yesterday, however, when I was looking for the pills I can take extra of when I'm having a panic attack, and I noticed the labels of both pill bottles. I noticed that I have been mistaking one for the other, taking one with the frequency of the other. That means that the first day taking them, I took the correct dose, but the second day I took one-and-a-half times the amount of the stronger drug (the longterm one) than I should have, and half as much of the "bridge drug," the one that bridges the gap of waiting for the longerm drug to work, which I can take almost as needed.
YIKES!
So, I called my psychiatrist (on the fourth of July, poor thing) and she said it's okay. I just flooded my brain with too much seratonin and was probably feeling extra anxious (YES). She instructed me to go back to the initial dose amount and take that for a few extra days before building up to the next level. And she said to take the "bridge drug" to get over this hump. Whew! I was worried that I'd have to have my stomach pumped or something (obviously, I was a little anxious and out of my mind ;)).
So, I'm feeling better. Still a little anxious, but not too bad. I am learning a few things that trigger my panic attacks--one of them is high-intensity movies. Anything that gets my heart beating fast out of fear or excitement tends to get my mind also moving fast and obsessive thoughts start racing.
But my Crohn's is just fine! Praise the Lord! I sometimes wonder if I'll have a MAJOR flare when my mind gets back to calm, but I really can't think that way.
I read this verse this morning in the Lectionary, and greatly desire God's help to do it in my own life:
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
From Ps. 131
Monday, July 02, 2007
Good news
I had a very good appointment with the psychiatrist. Praise the Lord!
I am now starting two new drugs: onefor longterm use to try and control this anxiety/depression, and oneto give me peace while I wait for the longterm one to really kick in. The second one will replace the Xanax, which makes me happy. And the doc was kind enough to ask if I wanted to stick with drugs that offered (much cheaper) generic equivalents, or if it didn't matter. (And if you know of any scary stories of people using these, please don't tell me. ;) They might work for some people and not others. My doc is also being VERY careful about easing me onto them, which I've heard if not done well, is what generally causes the issues.)
I'm nervous about these drugs. I hope they work for me. I feel like there are so many factors that contribute to me needing these drugs, I have so many reasons to go on them, but what if they don't work? What if I'm still tormented? I have such a hard time trusting in God.
The psychiatrist was very nice, and she was glad that I plan to start counseling to talk about issues that may need to be worked through. She asked if I needed a referral and I said no, I have a counseling center that I'm going to go to. She was delighted to hear who they were. That felt really good to hear. They are a counseling center that does therapy mixed with healing prayer, which is what I really want in therapy right now: I want to talk a little bit about what's in my mind and heart, and then have someone pray for me, bring me before the Lord. It'll be good.
I think one of the most encouraging aspects of the appointment this morning was the feeling that my troubles right now--even the troubling thoughts--can be attributed to the mental problem/chemical imbalances I'm experiencing right now. Sometimes I can't have the perspective to find that comforting, but when I'm having some peace, I do find that encouraging.
Right now I just feel discouraged about the journey into wholeness, to through a bunch of Christian-ese at you. I feel like this journey of mine, this answer to my prayer to God asking him to transform my mind, is such a long and arduous journey. I am faced with my sinful ways of thinking about people, I'm faced with my own physical and mental weakness, I'm exposed to the evil ones, I'm forced to come to God to be the ruler of my life. And in every direction I face, every verse I read, every song I hear, I am reminded of the love of God, something I've never fully owned or understood. So, it's an important and good journey but a long one. I wish I had a good metaphor, but the one that comes to mind is packing for an overnight trip and finding out on the plane that I'm going on a six-month tour of the world. Yikes! All of you should know by now that I don't like change, so it's taking me awhile to get used to this.
I continue to covet your prayers. My Crohn's is lying almost totally dormant during this time, which I am so thankful for. One of my friends, who's a doc, thought the anti-anxiety meds might help my Crohn's settle down a little, too. May it be so.
A friend at church exhorted me to read of the armor of God, and these are the verses that struck me last night and continue to strengthen me today:
Amen.
I am now starting two new drugs: onefor longterm use to try and control this anxiety/depression, and oneto give me peace while I wait for the longterm one to really kick in. The second one will replace the Xanax, which makes me happy. And the doc was kind enough to ask if I wanted to stick with drugs that offered (much cheaper) generic equivalents, or if it didn't matter. (And if you know of any scary stories of people using these, please don't tell me. ;) They might work for some people and not others. My doc is also being VERY careful about easing me onto them, which I've heard if not done well, is what generally causes the issues.)
I'm nervous about these drugs. I hope they work for me. I feel like there are so many factors that contribute to me needing these drugs, I have so many reasons to go on them, but what if they don't work? What if I'm still tormented? I have such a hard time trusting in God.
The psychiatrist was very nice, and she was glad that I plan to start counseling to talk about issues that may need to be worked through. She asked if I needed a referral and I said no, I have a counseling center that I'm going to go to. She was delighted to hear who they were. That felt really good to hear. They are a counseling center that does therapy mixed with healing prayer, which is what I really want in therapy right now: I want to talk a little bit about what's in my mind and heart, and then have someone pray for me, bring me before the Lord. It'll be good.
I think one of the most encouraging aspects of the appointment this morning was the feeling that my troubles right now--even the troubling thoughts--can be attributed to the mental problem/chemical imbalances I'm experiencing right now. Sometimes I can't have the perspective to find that comforting, but when I'm having some peace, I do find that encouraging.
Right now I just feel discouraged about the journey into wholeness, to through a bunch of Christian-ese at you. I feel like this journey of mine, this answer to my prayer to God asking him to transform my mind, is such a long and arduous journey. I am faced with my sinful ways of thinking about people, I'm faced with my own physical and mental weakness, I'm exposed to the evil ones, I'm forced to come to God to be the ruler of my life. And in every direction I face, every verse I read, every song I hear, I am reminded of the love of God, something I've never fully owned or understood. So, it's an important and good journey but a long one. I wish I had a good metaphor, but the one that comes to mind is packing for an overnight trip and finding out on the plane that I'm going on a six-month tour of the world. Yikes! All of you should know by now that I don't like change, so it's taking me awhile to get used to this.
I continue to covet your prayers. My Crohn's is lying almost totally dormant during this time, which I am so thankful for. One of my friends, who's a doc, thought the anti-anxiety meds might help my Crohn's settle down a little, too. May it be so.
A friend at church exhorted me to read of the armor of God, and these are the verses that struck me last night and continue to strengthen me today:
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.
Amen.