I am now starting two new drugs: onefor longterm use to try and control this anxiety/depression, and oneto give me peace while I wait for the longterm one to really kick in. The second one will replace the Xanax, which makes me happy. And the doc was kind enough to ask if I wanted to stick with drugs that offered (much cheaper) generic equivalents, or if it didn't matter. (And if you know of any scary stories of people using these, please don't tell me. ;) They might work for some people and not others. My doc is also being VERY careful about easing me onto them, which I've heard if not done well, is what generally causes the issues.)
I'm nervous about these drugs. I hope they work for me. I feel like there are so many factors that contribute to me needing these drugs, I have so many reasons to go on them, but what if they don't work? What if I'm still tormented? I have such a hard time trusting in God.
The psychiatrist was very nice, and she was glad that I plan to start counseling to talk about issues that may need to be worked through. She asked if I needed a referral and I said no, I have a counseling center that I'm going to go to. She was delighted to hear who they were. That felt really good to hear. They are a counseling center that does therapy mixed with healing prayer, which is what I really want in therapy right now: I want to talk a little bit about what's in my mind and heart, and then have someone pray for me, bring me before the Lord. It'll be good.
I think one of the most encouraging aspects of the appointment this morning was the feeling that my troubles right now--even the troubling thoughts--can be attributed to the mental problem/chemical imbalances I'm experiencing right now. Sometimes I can't have the perspective to find that comforting, but when I'm having some peace, I do find that encouraging.
Right now I just feel discouraged about the journey into wholeness, to through a bunch of Christian-ese at you. I feel like this journey of mine, this answer to my prayer to God asking him to transform my mind, is such a long and arduous journey. I am faced with my sinful ways of thinking about people, I'm faced with my own physical and mental weakness, I'm exposed to the evil ones, I'm forced to come to God to be the ruler of my life. And in every direction I face, every verse I read, every song I hear, I am reminded of the love of God, something I've never fully owned or understood. So, it's an important and good journey but a long one. I wish I had a good metaphor, but the one that comes to mind is packing for an overnight trip and finding out on the plane that I'm going on a six-month tour of the world. Yikes! All of you should know by now that I don't like change, so it's taking me awhile to get used to this.
I continue to covet your prayers. My Crohn's is lying almost totally dormant during this time, which I am so thankful for. One of my friends, who's a doc, thought the anti-anxiety meds might help my Crohn's settle down a little, too. May it be so.
A friend at church exhorted me to read of the armor of God, and these are the verses that struck me last night and continue to strengthen me today:
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.
Amen.
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