My mother will hate this title, but it's simply the first one that came to mind. I want to be more creative about titling, and I've always had a gift of instantly coming up with completely random words or phrases upon request. So why is titling my blog entries so hard for me?
Perhaps because this blog covers only one part of my personhood: my health. And that part of me is not as full of humor as the rest of me: it's logical, it's anxious, it's obsessive, it's stubborn, it's extremely resistant to risk, and it's very fearful. Not my best qualities, but definitely qualities that belong to me.
And you guys get to hear all about this. I worry that I'm not keeping in good enough touch with some of you for you to get a full picture of me, of how I'm doing as a whole person these days. While a lot of me is wrapped up in health--both mental and physical--concerns, there's a lot else going on.
I'll just give you a taste of my life:
I have an amazingly patient and creative husband that I love so much. He and I are growing closer every day.
I have some very close friends that live very far away and I'm terrible at keeping in touch with them. Same goes for my family. This pains me.
I have a group of two other women that I meet with about 2 or 3 times a month for mutual discipleship, and it's so fulfilling for me.
I am learning more about God's unfailing love for me and thought this morning about the mystery and wonder of his Holy Spirit living in me, making my body a temple.
I am enjoying my job and the added responsibilities that I was handed at my last annual review.
The weather has cooled down after days of humid heat and it was beautiful today, my husband said: a bright blue sky with fluffy clouds, the sun rising over the roof of the house he's working on these days.
My husband and I are going out to a play this weekend with some friends and I'm really excited. I love these friends and am intrigued by this playwright.
I'm so looking forward to going to see my in-laws in a week. I look forward to rest and refreshment in their loving care.
I'm re-reading my favorite book series: the Laurie R. King books about Mary Russell. I'm obsessed with them.
This morning I was really sad that I can't have Honey Bunches of Oats anymore: too much ruffage for my intestines.
I hate my hair right now and need a haircut but will complain about it for another week or two before actually doing something about it. It's one of my cute quirks (right, hubby?).
There are some big things going on in our life right now, some potentially large life changes that frighten and excite me. They bring me to prayer often, but not often enough.
I'm learning about marriage, about God, about obsession, about trust, about joy, about dreams and goals in this time. And my Crohn's is okay, and my anxiety and obsession flutters about my head, but I'm living my life. And all this, of course, is just a taste. I look forward to talking to all of you (or emailing) sometime soon about your lives and my life, in full.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Titles are back!
For the record, I had a perfect birthday. My husband planned the perfect evening for me, making a beautiful meal and even my favorite/traditional birthday cake: carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. And he bought me four of the movies that I've been dying to have (MI III and the X-Men Trilogy), and then we watched one of them after dinner. It was special and casual and familiar. Perfect. He's an amazing man.
And in Crohn's related news: the carrot cake (with pineapple) didn't give me any problems. And we discovered that Philly cream cheese doesn't have very much lactose in it, so that was exciting as well. Praise the Lord for his little blessings to me.
And in Crohn's related news: the carrot cake (with pineapple) didn't give me any problems. And we discovered that Philly cream cheese doesn't have very much lactose in it, so that was exciting as well. Praise the Lord for his little blessings to me.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Well, I can't seem to create a title for this post. Oh well.
It's my birthday. I am glad, yes, but I also usually struggle with a large amount of melancholy on my birthday. It feels like a whole year went by and I missed opportunities to spend time with my grandparents, with others I love but keep in poor touch with. I feel older and unable to turn back and remedy past reasons for regret. Just how I've always been.
I met some great people (some of my husband's cousins) yesterday and in trying to get to know me, they asked what things I like to do, hobbies, etc. I couldn't think of anything. I said I like to read, I am working on my marriage and my relationship with God, and I mostly enjoy my job. I wish I could have had something interested to say. How was I really spending my time?
It was afterwards in the car that I realized: one big "hobby" right now is my health. I think about it constantly, monitoring my Crohn's, my emotional health, my food intake, my weight, the impact all this is having on my marriage, etc. It's all-consuming.
Do I really want my life to be that way? It sounds so empty, so short-sighted. So uninteresting.
Do I have a choice? A chronic illness sort of takes over one's life. A certain amount of monitoring becomes necessary simply to survive. And if we're working toward goals of finding out if we can have children biologically (at least, if my Crohn's can calm down enough for us to try), then having my health be my hobby is a very concrete goal that could expand into a vocational goal: that of being a mother.
So, I will continue on in this new year of my life with health as my hobby, working toward my concrete goal, but with a conscious effort to look around and not get caught up in the minutae of this hobby, kind of like a video gamer can get with his/her hobby.
It's my birthday. I am glad, yes, but I also usually struggle with a large amount of melancholy on my birthday. It feels like a whole year went by and I missed opportunities to spend time with my grandparents, with others I love but keep in poor touch with. I feel older and unable to turn back and remedy past reasons for regret. Just how I've always been.
I met some great people (some of my husband's cousins) yesterday and in trying to get to know me, they asked what things I like to do, hobbies, etc. I couldn't think of anything. I said I like to read, I am working on my marriage and my relationship with God, and I mostly enjoy my job. I wish I could have had something interested to say. How was I really spending my time?
It was afterwards in the car that I realized: one big "hobby" right now is my health. I think about it constantly, monitoring my Crohn's, my emotional health, my food intake, my weight, the impact all this is having on my marriage, etc. It's all-consuming.
Do I really want my life to be that way? It sounds so empty, so short-sighted. So uninteresting.
Do I have a choice? A chronic illness sort of takes over one's life. A certain amount of monitoring becomes necessary simply to survive. And if we're working toward goals of finding out if we can have children biologically (at least, if my Crohn's can calm down enough for us to try), then having my health be my hobby is a very concrete goal that could expand into a vocational goal: that of being a mother.
So, I will continue on in this new year of my life with health as my hobby, working toward my concrete goal, but with a conscious effort to look around and not get caught up in the minutae of this hobby, kind of like a video gamer can get with his/her hobby.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Almost calm
I just wanted to do a little "emotional update."
I'm doing well on these new drugs. They will probably be the right fit for me.
I did have a moment of extra anxiety yesterday, however, when I was looking for the pills I can take extra of when I'm having a panic attack, and I noticed the labels of both pill bottles. I noticed that I have been mistaking one for the other, taking one with the frequency of the other. That means that the first day taking them, I took the correct dose, but the second day I took one-and-a-half times the amount of the stronger drug (the longterm one) than I should have, and half as much of the "bridge drug," the one that bridges the gap of waiting for the longerm drug to work, which I can take almost as needed.
YIKES!
So, I called my psychiatrist (on the fourth of July, poor thing) and she said it's okay. I just flooded my brain with too much seratonin and was probably feeling extra anxious (YES). She instructed me to go back to the initial dose amount and take that for a few extra days before building up to the next level. And she said to take the "bridge drug" to get over this hump. Whew! I was worried that I'd have to have my stomach pumped or something (obviously, I was a little anxious and out of my mind ;)).
So, I'm feeling better. Still a little anxious, but not too bad. I am learning a few things that trigger my panic attacks--one of them is high-intensity movies. Anything that gets my heart beating fast out of fear or excitement tends to get my mind also moving fast and obsessive thoughts start racing.
But my Crohn's is just fine! Praise the Lord! I sometimes wonder if I'll have a MAJOR flare when my mind gets back to calm, but I really can't think that way.
I read this verse this morning in the Lectionary, and greatly desire God's help to do it in my own life:
From Ps. 131
I'm doing well on these new drugs. They will probably be the right fit for me.
I did have a moment of extra anxiety yesterday, however, when I was looking for the pills I can take extra of when I'm having a panic attack, and I noticed the labels of both pill bottles. I noticed that I have been mistaking one for the other, taking one with the frequency of the other. That means that the first day taking them, I took the correct dose, but the second day I took one-and-a-half times the amount of the stronger drug (the longterm one) than I should have, and half as much of the "bridge drug," the one that bridges the gap of waiting for the longerm drug to work, which I can take almost as needed.
YIKES!
So, I called my psychiatrist (on the fourth of July, poor thing) and she said it's okay. I just flooded my brain with too much seratonin and was probably feeling extra anxious (YES). She instructed me to go back to the initial dose amount and take that for a few extra days before building up to the next level. And she said to take the "bridge drug" to get over this hump. Whew! I was worried that I'd have to have my stomach pumped or something (obviously, I was a little anxious and out of my mind ;)).
So, I'm feeling better. Still a little anxious, but not too bad. I am learning a few things that trigger my panic attacks--one of them is high-intensity movies. Anything that gets my heart beating fast out of fear or excitement tends to get my mind also moving fast and obsessive thoughts start racing.
But my Crohn's is just fine! Praise the Lord! I sometimes wonder if I'll have a MAJOR flare when my mind gets back to calm, but I really can't think that way.
I read this verse this morning in the Lectionary, and greatly desire God's help to do it in my own life:
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
From Ps. 131
Monday, July 02, 2007
Good news
I had a very good appointment with the psychiatrist. Praise the Lord!
I am now starting two new drugs: onefor longterm use to try and control this anxiety/depression, and oneto give me peace while I wait for the longterm one to really kick in. The second one will replace the Xanax, which makes me happy. And the doc was kind enough to ask if I wanted to stick with drugs that offered (much cheaper) generic equivalents, or if it didn't matter. (And if you know of any scary stories of people using these, please don't tell me. ;) They might work for some people and not others. My doc is also being VERY careful about easing me onto them, which I've heard if not done well, is what generally causes the issues.)
I'm nervous about these drugs. I hope they work for me. I feel like there are so many factors that contribute to me needing these drugs, I have so many reasons to go on them, but what if they don't work? What if I'm still tormented? I have such a hard time trusting in God.
The psychiatrist was very nice, and she was glad that I plan to start counseling to talk about issues that may need to be worked through. She asked if I needed a referral and I said no, I have a counseling center that I'm going to go to. She was delighted to hear who they were. That felt really good to hear. They are a counseling center that does therapy mixed with healing prayer, which is what I really want in therapy right now: I want to talk a little bit about what's in my mind and heart, and then have someone pray for me, bring me before the Lord. It'll be good.
I think one of the most encouraging aspects of the appointment this morning was the feeling that my troubles right now--even the troubling thoughts--can be attributed to the mental problem/chemical imbalances I'm experiencing right now. Sometimes I can't have the perspective to find that comforting, but when I'm having some peace, I do find that encouraging.
Right now I just feel discouraged about the journey into wholeness, to through a bunch of Christian-ese at you. I feel like this journey of mine, this answer to my prayer to God asking him to transform my mind, is such a long and arduous journey. I am faced with my sinful ways of thinking about people, I'm faced with my own physical and mental weakness, I'm exposed to the evil ones, I'm forced to come to God to be the ruler of my life. And in every direction I face, every verse I read, every song I hear, I am reminded of the love of God, something I've never fully owned or understood. So, it's an important and good journey but a long one. I wish I had a good metaphor, but the one that comes to mind is packing for an overnight trip and finding out on the plane that I'm going on a six-month tour of the world. Yikes! All of you should know by now that I don't like change, so it's taking me awhile to get used to this.
I continue to covet your prayers. My Crohn's is lying almost totally dormant during this time, which I am so thankful for. One of my friends, who's a doc, thought the anti-anxiety meds might help my Crohn's settle down a little, too. May it be so.
A friend at church exhorted me to read of the armor of God, and these are the verses that struck me last night and continue to strengthen me today:
Amen.
I am now starting two new drugs: onefor longterm use to try and control this anxiety/depression, and oneto give me peace while I wait for the longterm one to really kick in. The second one will replace the Xanax, which makes me happy. And the doc was kind enough to ask if I wanted to stick with drugs that offered (much cheaper) generic equivalents, or if it didn't matter. (And if you know of any scary stories of people using these, please don't tell me. ;) They might work for some people and not others. My doc is also being VERY careful about easing me onto them, which I've heard if not done well, is what generally causes the issues.)
I'm nervous about these drugs. I hope they work for me. I feel like there are so many factors that contribute to me needing these drugs, I have so many reasons to go on them, but what if they don't work? What if I'm still tormented? I have such a hard time trusting in God.
The psychiatrist was very nice, and she was glad that I plan to start counseling to talk about issues that may need to be worked through. She asked if I needed a referral and I said no, I have a counseling center that I'm going to go to. She was delighted to hear who they were. That felt really good to hear. They are a counseling center that does therapy mixed with healing prayer, which is what I really want in therapy right now: I want to talk a little bit about what's in my mind and heart, and then have someone pray for me, bring me before the Lord. It'll be good.
I think one of the most encouraging aspects of the appointment this morning was the feeling that my troubles right now--even the troubling thoughts--can be attributed to the mental problem/chemical imbalances I'm experiencing right now. Sometimes I can't have the perspective to find that comforting, but when I'm having some peace, I do find that encouraging.
Right now I just feel discouraged about the journey into wholeness, to through a bunch of Christian-ese at you. I feel like this journey of mine, this answer to my prayer to God asking him to transform my mind, is such a long and arduous journey. I am faced with my sinful ways of thinking about people, I'm faced with my own physical and mental weakness, I'm exposed to the evil ones, I'm forced to come to God to be the ruler of my life. And in every direction I face, every verse I read, every song I hear, I am reminded of the love of God, something I've never fully owned or understood. So, it's an important and good journey but a long one. I wish I had a good metaphor, but the one that comes to mind is packing for an overnight trip and finding out on the plane that I'm going on a six-month tour of the world. Yikes! All of you should know by now that I don't like change, so it's taking me awhile to get used to this.
I continue to covet your prayers. My Crohn's is lying almost totally dormant during this time, which I am so thankful for. One of my friends, who's a doc, thought the anti-anxiety meds might help my Crohn's settle down a little, too. May it be so.
A friend at church exhorted me to read of the armor of God, and these are the verses that struck me last night and continue to strengthen me today:
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.
Amen.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Anxiety
Well, my anxiety has been getting worse and worse, so I finally decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I made the appointment yesterday to meet with someone MONDAY. I just really need to talk to a Christian, someone who could be holistic in her approach and consider any spiritual warfare possibilities, etc., and someone who could pray with and/or for me.
But I couldn't wait until Monday to see someone, because I was having so much trouble with panic and anxiety. So, I was able to see someone last night after work, because of a cancellation, and that doc prescribed some Xanax to tide me over until the psychiatrist can prescribe something more suited to what's going on.
The Xanax seems to be working, which is nice. It's not one of those drugs that you have to wait a long time to work. However, I googled it this afternoon (BAD idea, self) and found out that there's a risk of dependence, but honestly, I need to take what works and trust that God will watch over me, even over the drug choices that my doctor makes.
I also received prayer from a prayer minister from our church last night. We were at his house for a picnic, and as the party was breaking up, I nervously asked him if he would pray for me. He and my husband prayed, and it was a powerful experience, one I'm still unpacking. I'm so thankful to believe in a powerful God and participate in a loving Church community that believes in healing prayer. Their prayer gave me much-needed perspective and encouragement, and as I think about it right now, I realize that God even chose the specific prayer minister for me to be in contact with, because he has similar issues. They both had such powerful, specific, helpful images come to mind in the prayer, especially my husband, that I was so blessed by and am keeping in my heart and mind today.
I have a hard time with perspective in general, and especially now that I am having panic and anxiety issues, so I hope that God will preserve that newfound perspective in me. I need to keep my eyes on the cross, eyes on Jesus, my heart and mind and soul and eyes on the person of Jesus. He is my savior.
from Mark 40
May the Lord be filled with compassion for me and continue to make me clean.
But I couldn't wait until Monday to see someone, because I was having so much trouble with panic and anxiety. So, I was able to see someone last night after work, because of a cancellation, and that doc prescribed some Xanax to tide me over until the psychiatrist can prescribe something more suited to what's going on.
The Xanax seems to be working, which is nice. It's not one of those drugs that you have to wait a long time to work. However, I googled it this afternoon (BAD idea, self) and found out that there's a risk of dependence, but honestly, I need to take what works and trust that God will watch over me, even over the drug choices that my doctor makes.
I also received prayer from a prayer minister from our church last night. We were at his house for a picnic, and as the party was breaking up, I nervously asked him if he would pray for me. He and my husband prayed, and it was a powerful experience, one I'm still unpacking. I'm so thankful to believe in a powerful God and participate in a loving Church community that believes in healing prayer. Their prayer gave me much-needed perspective and encouragement, and as I think about it right now, I realize that God even chose the specific prayer minister for me to be in contact with, because he has similar issues. They both had such powerful, specific, helpful images come to mind in the prayer, especially my husband, that I was so blessed by and am keeping in my heart and mind today.
I have a hard time with perspective in general, and especially now that I am having panic and anxiety issues, so I hope that God will preserve that newfound perspective in me. I need to keep my eyes on the cross, eyes on Jesus, my heart and mind and soul and eyes on the person of Jesus. He is my savior.
A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, "If you are willing, you can make me clean."
Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cured.
from Mark 40
May the Lord be filled with compassion for me and continue to make me clean.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Exercise, for the record
I had such a good time on the elliptical at the gym last Friday, but was worried about its effects on my Crohn's. I also ended up having a flare after breakfast Saturday morning, and wondered if it could be connected to the exercise (because my meal didn't seem risky). I haven't worked up a sweat exercising in a long time, and wondered if that could trigger a flare, so I called my GI nurse (who would ask my doc if necessary, which is my standard mode of communication with him).
She just called back and said that the general rule with Crohn's patients who exercise is to start very slow and work their way up in intensity. If I have a reaction, I should stop immediately. She said that exercise can trigger a flare, and it would probably happen afterwards, so the Saturday morning flare could have been caused by the exercise.
I've been going to the gym, starting slow, I thought, but I guess I need to slow back down. So disappointing. Oh well. I'll go back and go slow, and maybe if I remain constant, I can work my way up.
My husband and I feel like the benefits of exercise would benefit Crohn's: releasing of endorphines, stronger heart, stress relief, etc. I'll just go slower (I'm definitely good at that!).
I also felt like I made some headway with my anxiety this weekend. I'm still struggling with it, but learning to depend even more fully on the Lord. I am experiencing his love even in the midst of this, and recognizing a work that he's doing in my heart and mind, bringing up old hurts and helping me deal with them with my husband. How do I know that it's God doing all this? I can't explain it, but I feel like I see a divine hand over this, as well as the influence of that which is not God, creating havoc around all of this healing, using my body chemistry to aggravate my anxiety.
But I feel like I'm experiencing great spiritual healing, perhaps amid physical healing. I think back to the time I took Eucharist at church and felt God was saying that my healing would come through my mouth. There are so many things that could mean, but I feel there's a connection to my dentist work, to my oral surgery, and now that that's all taken care of, perhaps I have some hard core healing on the way. Only God knows.
She just called back and said that the general rule with Crohn's patients who exercise is to start very slow and work their way up in intensity. If I have a reaction, I should stop immediately. She said that exercise can trigger a flare, and it would probably happen afterwards, so the Saturday morning flare could have been caused by the exercise.
I've been going to the gym, starting slow, I thought, but I guess I need to slow back down. So disappointing. Oh well. I'll go back and go slow, and maybe if I remain constant, I can work my way up.
My husband and I feel like the benefits of exercise would benefit Crohn's: releasing of endorphines, stronger heart, stress relief, etc. I'll just go slower (I'm definitely good at that!).
I also felt like I made some headway with my anxiety this weekend. I'm still struggling with it, but learning to depend even more fully on the Lord. I am experiencing his love even in the midst of this, and recognizing a work that he's doing in my heart and mind, bringing up old hurts and helping me deal with them with my husband. How do I know that it's God doing all this? I can't explain it, but I feel like I see a divine hand over this, as well as the influence of that which is not God, creating havoc around all of this healing, using my body chemistry to aggravate my anxiety.
But I feel like I'm experiencing great spiritual healing, perhaps amid physical healing. I think back to the time I took Eucharist at church and felt God was saying that my healing would come through my mouth. There are so many things that could mean, but I feel there's a connection to my dentist work, to my oral surgery, and now that that's all taken care of, perhaps I have some hard core healing on the way. Only God knows.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord...
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Doc Update
I just got home from the doc, and it was a great time!
Unbelievable!
It's almost like he's reading my blog... hmm...
Anyway, he was kind and welcoming. He was even encouraging. He scared me a little bit, but not too badly. I hope that I presented my symptoms correctly, because he wasn't overly dire about it.
I told him that I'm having diarrhea, gas (tho not this week), and lots and lots of anxiety. I said that there have been lots of things going on in my life, including the ongoing anxiety, that might be affecting my Crohn's, or it could be a Crohn's flare, unrelated to all that. I didn't know. He said firstly that Entocort is not a long term solution, which he's said before, so if these symptoms that I'm having don't go away, we'll have to talk about other medications or possibly surgery. He said (and I was surprised to hear this) that in that case, of non-improvement, he'd like to try Remicade again, or possibly Humira, which is a newer biological drug that does the same things in the same way that Remicade does, only using human cells instead of mouse cells, which greatly lessens the chances of resistance and allergy to it.
I have taken Remicade in the past, but was taken off it because one of my lymph nodes swelled up and my primary care doc thought it might be because of the Remicade. I wasn't sure that was the case, but I ended up agreeing with the hemotologist I was sent to, who concluded that I didn't have lymphoma and my lymph node was probably swollen because it was busy trying to calm down my Crohn's. ;) Part of the evidence of this is that my lymph node does that every now and then (it's swollen right now, in fact).
So, the doc today was very encouraging. He recognized that Remicade didn't do much for me in the past, but that I can try it again and see if it'll work better this time. And if Remicade doesn't work, I can try Humira. He also encouraged me to research new studies that have come out, showing from trials that Remicade's bad side effects might not be as bad as originally suspected. They were done at the University of Chicago, some of them done by an old doc of mine. However, the trials I found online don't say that, they say that the risk is what I always heard it was: greater chance of cancers, including lymphoma. Anyway...
So, very exciting. Praise the Lord!
Unbelievable!
It's almost like he's reading my blog... hmm...
Anyway, he was kind and welcoming. He was even encouraging. He scared me a little bit, but not too badly. I hope that I presented my symptoms correctly, because he wasn't overly dire about it.
I told him that I'm having diarrhea, gas (tho not this week), and lots and lots of anxiety. I said that there have been lots of things going on in my life, including the ongoing anxiety, that might be affecting my Crohn's, or it could be a Crohn's flare, unrelated to all that. I didn't know. He said firstly that Entocort is not a long term solution, which he's said before, so if these symptoms that I'm having don't go away, we'll have to talk about other medications or possibly surgery. He said (and I was surprised to hear this) that in that case, of non-improvement, he'd like to try Remicade again, or possibly Humira, which is a newer biological drug that does the same things in the same way that Remicade does, only using human cells instead of mouse cells, which greatly lessens the chances of resistance and allergy to it.
I have taken Remicade in the past, but was taken off it because one of my lymph nodes swelled up and my primary care doc thought it might be because of the Remicade. I wasn't sure that was the case, but I ended up agreeing with the hemotologist I was sent to, who concluded that I didn't have lymphoma and my lymph node was probably swollen because it was busy trying to calm down my Crohn's. ;) Part of the evidence of this is that my lymph node does that every now and then (it's swollen right now, in fact).
So, the doc today was very encouraging. He recognized that Remicade didn't do much for me in the past, but that I can try it again and see if it'll work better this time. And if Remicade doesn't work, I can try Humira. He also encouraged me to research new studies that have come out, showing from trials that Remicade's bad side effects might not be as bad as originally suspected. They were done at the University of Chicago, some of them done by an old doc of mine. However, the trials I found online don't say that, they say that the risk is what I always heard it was: greater chance of cancers, including lymphoma. Anyway...
So, very exciting. Praise the Lord!
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Lots of blogging
I'm doing lots of blogging lately, because I have much to blog about. My Crohn's is active.
Well, I just wrote a huge blog about how much I am dreading having to have surgery, but then decided that (1) I don't know that I'll be having surgery, (2) thinking about it makes me really anxious, so (3) I'm not going to go there until I really have to go there.
God may use surgery to heal my Crohn's, or to keep me stable, but He will have to prepare me when that time comes. I don't need to borrow trouble. Boy, am I good at that.
I'm feeling pretty good, have been for a few days. Still having diarrhea, which is worrisome, but what are you going to do? Keep eating, try and sneak in insoluable fiber, and take the probiotics (they're supposed to help with diarrhea, among other things).
The main problem right now continues to be the anxiety. I'm praying a lot and reading and memorizing Scripture, and that's really helpful. I also cry when I need to and talk to my husband and friends about it. Yesterday, one of my friends told me about Psalm 13, and I found it was perfect. Thank you, Jesus.
Well, I just wrote a huge blog about how much I am dreading having to have surgery, but then decided that (1) I don't know that I'll be having surgery, (2) thinking about it makes me really anxious, so (3) I'm not going to go there until I really have to go there.
God may use surgery to heal my Crohn's, or to keep me stable, but He will have to prepare me when that time comes. I don't need to borrow trouble. Boy, am I good at that.
I'm feeling pretty good, have been for a few days. Still having diarrhea, which is worrisome, but what are you going to do? Keep eating, try and sneak in insoluable fiber, and take the probiotics (they're supposed to help with diarrhea, among other things).
The main problem right now continues to be the anxiety. I'm praying a lot and reading and memorizing Scripture, and that's really helpful. I also cry when I need to and talk to my husband and friends about it. Yesterday, one of my friends told me about Psalm 13, and I found it was perfect. Thank you, Jesus.
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Docs and Anxiety
I had a good weekend after a tough week last week with my Crohn's. I took it easy on Friday with what I ate--even having Boost for lunch--and the weekend went well. Praise God!
The big issue lately is my anxiety problems. It is consuming. I am trying to relax (and sleep) and pray more often. I should get back into exercising, too. I really want to have God's words in my mind, combatting the irrational, illogical thoughts. It's just so exhausting to have all this anxiety, and I'm sure it affects my Crohn's negatively, but I can't just stop it. Please pray.
I am still having diarrhea more than I'd like. I go to the doc on Thursday at 4pm, so we'll see what he thinks. I dread seeing him this time, as I've mentioned before. My husband and I agree that it's time for me to find someone new, perhaps even someone who will help me to be healed. Someone who'll listen to me on the phone and not be patronizing or exasperated. Someone who'll explain himself/herself to me more fully so that I can understand his/her goals for treating me. Someone who'll be gentle and kind and welcoming. Someone who'll be encouraging and firm. My eyes tear up thinking about this possibility, proof that I need to switch. Even if the new doc is better in only a few ways, it will be an improvement.
The big issue lately is my anxiety problems. It is consuming. I am trying to relax (and sleep) and pray more often. I should get back into exercising, too. I really want to have God's words in my mind, combatting the irrational, illogical thoughts. It's just so exhausting to have all this anxiety, and I'm sure it affects my Crohn's negatively, but I can't just stop it. Please pray.
I am still having diarrhea more than I'd like. I go to the doc on Thursday at 4pm, so we'll see what he thinks. I dread seeing him this time, as I've mentioned before. My husband and I agree that it's time for me to find someone new, perhaps even someone who will help me to be healed. Someone who'll listen to me on the phone and not be patronizing or exasperated. Someone who'll explain himself/herself to me more fully so that I can understand his/her goals for treating me. Someone who'll be gentle and kind and welcoming. Someone who'll be encouraging and firm. My eyes tear up thinking about this possibility, proof that I need to switch. Even if the new doc is better in only a few ways, it will be an improvement.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Bad night
Another bad night last night. Lots of gas, which is different than a night of Crohn's pain, but still uncomfortable. I feel calmer about gas, because I feel like it means that I ate something that didn't agree with my Crohn's-riddled intestines. I could be wrong, but there it is.
It's also different than other Crohn's pain in that it doesn't happen within two hours of eating. It starts a few hours after eating the problem item, and then continues for a long time, even longer if I spend part of that time period at work or somewhere that doesn't allow me to "work it out."
I'll definitely have to bring it up with my gastro doc. I see him for a follow-up on June 21. I'm worried about the appointment. Please pray.
It's also different than other Crohn's pain in that it doesn't happen within two hours of eating. It starts a few hours after eating the problem item, and then continues for a long time, even longer if I spend part of that time period at work or somewhere that doesn't allow me to "work it out."
I'll definitely have to bring it up with my gastro doc. I see him for a follow-up on June 21. I'm worried about the appointment. Please pray.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Fine
Wow, I am so creative with the titles of these posts. I should copyright them. ;)
Things are going... fine. Okay. Nothing great, nothing terrible. I've had a couple of evenings in the last week and a half with significant gas inside, painful, and that's confusing and frustrating. My Crohn's is ebbing and flowing with my anxieties, without the Entocort to help it, and that's frustrating. I started my food diary again because I have been having diarrhea and these episodes of gassiness, and I don't know why. Perhaps it's the food I'm eating. Perhaps it's stress. I don't know, but I'm so frustrated (did I mention that?) and hopeless about it (which doesn't help my Crohn's, which is frustrating... An endless cycle).
Please pray. Pray that God will heal me. I want to have kids, I want to eat without fear, I want to try to live a normal, healthy life.
Things are going... fine. Okay. Nothing great, nothing terrible. I've had a couple of evenings in the last week and a half with significant gas inside, painful, and that's confusing and frustrating. My Crohn's is ebbing and flowing with my anxieties, without the Entocort to help it, and that's frustrating. I started my food diary again because I have been having diarrhea and these episodes of gassiness, and I don't know why. Perhaps it's the food I'm eating. Perhaps it's stress. I don't know, but I'm so frustrated (did I mention that?) and hopeless about it (which doesn't help my Crohn's, which is frustrating... An endless cycle).
Please pray. Pray that God will heal me. I want to have kids, I want to eat without fear, I want to try to live a normal, healthy life.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
feeling better
Yup, I'm feeling much better. Yesterday I still felt a little weird and so I watched what I ate. I think that helped a lot. Plus, we had a lot to do in the evening to distract me from my "tummy."
Thank you for your prayers. I'm hoping that I'm over the hump.
Thank you for your prayers. I'm hoping that I'm over the hump.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Not right
Something is not right--still--with my Crohn's. Last night (and evening) was a difficult night: I had a lot of gas inside that didn't move much. It would have been like a bowel obstruction:
(1) if it had started within two hours of eating something (instead, it started building after lunch and was at its worst right before dinner, five hours after lunch);
(2) if there had been intense cramping that escalated and then resolved with a bowel movement or passing gas (instead, there was no intense peristalsis, just a buildup of gas that didn't seem to move very quickly and just got more and more tight in my intestines. It finally began to move in a more productive manner and I eventually passed gas etc., which helped but didn't 100% relieve the gas/pain, like usual);
and (3) if I woke up feeling great this morning (I didn't. I still felt crampy but was able to pass gas etc. so I feel okay this morning but not nearly as good as I feel in the mornings, which are usually my best times).
So, it's discouraging. I woke in the night (b/c of a dream, not b/c of any pain) and had trouble falling back asleep because I kept thinking about what my doc would say if I said that I'm having trouble. I think he would send me in for that new CT scan that he told me about before. I wish I could stay on Entocort, because it helps me so much, but he prefers surgery to long term steroid use. I either have to trust his judgment or get a second opinion. And getting a second opinion might make changing doctors easier. I'm just less and less satisfied with the way he treats me and really want to switch doctors, but am still worried (as I've said before) about the stress inherent in switching doctors and finding someone that will treat me with respect and treat my Crohn's intelligently.
Please pray for me today.
(1) if it had started within two hours of eating something (instead, it started building after lunch and was at its worst right before dinner, five hours after lunch);
(2) if there had been intense cramping that escalated and then resolved with a bowel movement or passing gas (instead, there was no intense peristalsis, just a buildup of gas that didn't seem to move very quickly and just got more and more tight in my intestines. It finally began to move in a more productive manner and I eventually passed gas etc., which helped but didn't 100% relieve the gas/pain, like usual);
and (3) if I woke up feeling great this morning (I didn't. I still felt crampy but was able to pass gas etc. so I feel okay this morning but not nearly as good as I feel in the mornings, which are usually my best times).
So, it's discouraging. I woke in the night (b/c of a dream, not b/c of any pain) and had trouble falling back asleep because I kept thinking about what my doc would say if I said that I'm having trouble. I think he would send me in for that new CT scan that he told me about before. I wish I could stay on Entocort, because it helps me so much, but he prefers surgery to long term steroid use. I either have to trust his judgment or get a second opinion. And getting a second opinion might make changing doctors easier. I'm just less and less satisfied with the way he treats me and really want to switch doctors, but am still worried (as I've said before) about the stress inherent in switching doctors and finding someone that will treat me with respect and treat my Crohn's intelligently.
Please pray for me today.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Boost
I'm not feeling the best today, and haven't been for most of the weekend (afternoons and evenings). I'm feeling "Crohn's-y," which means that I have pain that doesn't just feel like gas or something like that. It is pain that is unique to Crohn's flare-ups/troubles.
I wouldn't say I'm having a flare-up, necessarily. Unless a flare-up lasts over time. I just am struggling to find foods that don't bother me. And I can think of several reasons for this (it's important for me to think this through, as you've learned by now):
1. It's just my Crohn's acting up and there's nothing I'm doing to cause it.
2. I'm finished with the Entocort now and it's probably almost completely out of my system.
3. [my strongest explanation) I'm processing--in that delayed, delayed way I have--all the stress and worrying and anxiety that I experienced the week(s) leading up to my wisdom teeth surgery. My first obstruction happened two weeks after our wedding (very stressful week), my second happened two weeks after a very stressful Holy Week at church. It's now two weeks after my surgery. Hmm...
So, I'm going to try and use the information I've gained about the way my Crohn's works: I'm going to eat as if I'm having a lot more trouble than I actually am, preventatively (meaning, no exotic foods); I'm going to exercise regularly; I'm going to pray a lot (so that I don't just do all this myself); I'm going to drink lots of water; I'm going to do relaxation exercises; and most importantly, I'm not going to be anxious about this.
We'll see how this works. I need to remain calm and not anticipate the worst (SO much easier said than done). I think I'm actually doing very well considering how much stress I put myself under. I mean, I was on Entocort both times I had the obstructions, and that's the only drug that seems to help.
I'll keep monitoring and see how I feel. I scheduled a doc appt with my gastro on June 21 (they didn't have any earlier than that), so hopefully I'll be feeling great by then, over the hump.
Thank you for your prayers.
I wouldn't say I'm having a flare-up, necessarily. Unless a flare-up lasts over time. I just am struggling to find foods that don't bother me. And I can think of several reasons for this (it's important for me to think this through, as you've learned by now):
1. It's just my Crohn's acting up and there's nothing I'm doing to cause it.
2. I'm finished with the Entocort now and it's probably almost completely out of my system.
3. [my strongest explanation) I'm processing--in that delayed, delayed way I have--all the stress and worrying and anxiety that I experienced the week(s) leading up to my wisdom teeth surgery. My first obstruction happened two weeks after our wedding (very stressful week), my second happened two weeks after a very stressful Holy Week at church. It's now two weeks after my surgery. Hmm...
So, I'm going to try and use the information I've gained about the way my Crohn's works: I'm going to eat as if I'm having a lot more trouble than I actually am, preventatively (meaning, no exotic foods); I'm going to exercise regularly; I'm going to pray a lot (so that I don't just do all this myself); I'm going to drink lots of water; I'm going to do relaxation exercises; and most importantly, I'm not going to be anxious about this.
We'll see how this works. I need to remain calm and not anticipate the worst (SO much easier said than done). I think I'm actually doing very well considering how much stress I put myself under. I mean, I was on Entocort both times I had the obstructions, and that's the only drug that seems to help.
I'll keep monitoring and see how I feel. I scheduled a doc appt with my gastro on June 21 (they didn't have any earlier than that), so hopefully I'll be feeling great by then, over the hump.
Thank you for your prayers.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Anxiety
So, I'm sure you've all noticed: I have issues with anxiety.
I just do.
And I wanted to say that, put it out there. I have a way, especially recently, of ruminating on something until I'm in a complete tizzy. I can't seem to calm myself down--my thoughts escalate out of proportion. And I worry about how this affects my Crohn's.
Please pray for me.
I just do.
And I wanted to say that, put it out there. I have a way, especially recently, of ruminating on something until I'm in a complete tizzy. I can't seem to calm myself down--my thoughts escalate out of proportion. And I worry about how this affects my Crohn's.
Please pray for me.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
95%
I'm feeling 95%!
I am healing rather quickly, praise the Lord! And as I was saying to my mother-in-law this morning, I feel like I'm at 95%: not completely normal yet, but quite close.
I don't have any more bruising. My sockets are not so tender, which makes cleaning and brushing MUCH easier. I am not on Tylenol full time anymore, but only take it when I need it (once or twice a day, as opposed to the maximum four times a day). I eat pretty much everything I ate before. I think a lot of the things that might be too painful to eat are things I can't eat because of my Crohn's: popcorn, seeds, nuts, thorns, brambles, etc. My swelling is almost completely gone, but my husband and I agree that I still look a little different, a tiny bit puffy yet. Oh well.
So, thank you for your prayers! They are certainly contributing to the speedy recovery I'm experiencing. The one thing left to keep an eye on for me, is keeping the sockets clean. I need to make sure that I clean them fully and also keep my teeth clean, because as the oral surgeon said, those remaining teeth, especially the ones right at the back of my mouth, are the main reasons I got my wisdom teeth out in the first place!
It feels amazing to have passed this huge hurdle that I've been avoiding for so long. I feel so proud of myself. And I'm excited to have finished all my dental work. If I can stay on track with cleanings and flossing and everything, I may not have another season of fillings ahead of me. I also want to look into calcium supplements, which may help my teeth from the inside out.
I am healing rather quickly, praise the Lord! And as I was saying to my mother-in-law this morning, I feel like I'm at 95%: not completely normal yet, but quite close.
I don't have any more bruising. My sockets are not so tender, which makes cleaning and brushing MUCH easier. I am not on Tylenol full time anymore, but only take it when I need it (once or twice a day, as opposed to the maximum four times a day). I eat pretty much everything I ate before. I think a lot of the things that might be too painful to eat are things I can't eat because of my Crohn's: popcorn, seeds, nuts, thorns, brambles, etc. My swelling is almost completely gone, but my husband and I agree that I still look a little different, a tiny bit puffy yet. Oh well.
So, thank you for your prayers! They are certainly contributing to the speedy recovery I'm experiencing. The one thing left to keep an eye on for me, is keeping the sockets clean. I need to make sure that I clean them fully and also keep my teeth clean, because as the oral surgeon said, those remaining teeth, especially the ones right at the back of my mouth, are the main reasons I got my wisdom teeth out in the first place!
It feels amazing to have passed this huge hurdle that I've been avoiding for so long. I feel so proud of myself. And I'm excited to have finished all my dental work. If I can stay on track with cleanings and flossing and everything, I may not have another season of fillings ahead of me. I also want to look into calcium supplements, which may help my teeth from the inside out.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Healing Nicely
I had a follow-up appointment with my oral surgeon this morning, and he said that my sockets are healing up nicely! Yippee! I was so worried that he'd say, "Oh no! You have a terrible infection! Why didn't you tell me???" Nope. I'm in the clear.
He showed me how to use a little syringe to clean out my lower sockets (the upper ones are already healed, apparently). He said, too, that my hygiene is very good. That was good to hear, because it's been hard to know if I'm doing things right, being very cautious, etc. Sorry if that's TMI.
I'm allowed to eat more foods, integrating them as I heal. He said that if it hurts, I shouldn't eat it yet. And he said that stitches, which are still in, WILL come out in due time. I shouldn't worry. ;)
It was incredibly encouraging. Just wanted to pass along the good news! Thank you for your prayers.
He showed me how to use a little syringe to clean out my lower sockets (the upper ones are already healed, apparently). He said, too, that my hygiene is very good. That was good to hear, because it's been hard to know if I'm doing things right, being very cautious, etc. Sorry if that's TMI.
I'm allowed to eat more foods, integrating them as I heal. He said that if it hurts, I shouldn't eat it yet. And he said that stitches, which are still in, WILL come out in due time. I shouldn't worry. ;)
It was incredibly encouraging. Just wanted to pass along the good news! Thank you for your prayers.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Less wisdom, still alive
I think I've spoken to most of you who read this blog, but I thought I'd give a blog update anyway.
I survived! Just as you all knew I would. Many of my fears were not realized: I didn't die from the anesthesia, I didn't get nauseous from the pain meds, I haven't had any complications of any kind, actually. The only problems I've had to deal with have related to the pain meds: I started them too late the first day and had severe pain until they kicked in. My oral surgeon (I'll call him Dr. S) drove to my nearby pharmacy to deliver stronger drugs to me (the ones he was prescribing couldn't be turned in to the pharmacy over the phone--they were too intense (percocet)). But the vicodin kicked in and I'm fine. He still wanted me to try the percocet, so I wouldn't have to take so much vicodin, but the percocet made my breathing slow and I got VERY tired. Just too strong of a drug for me.
Anyway, I'm doing fine. I feel much better today. The swelling isn't getting worse, but isn't necessarily better, either. I don't think my husband and I anticipated how long of a recovery this would be, but we're figuring it out. I need to rest and do all the recovery stuff: rinsing my mouth out several times a day, gingerly brushing my (remaining) teeth, drinking everything I eat (instead of chewing), taking lots of naps, and constantly holding ice packs to my chipmunk cheeks until the swelling starts to go down, which should be today.
The fear that remains for me is dry sockets. They don't appear until several days after the surgery, and you can't tell who'll have them and who won't. Of course, to me, that means I'm a prime candidate. The good news about dry sockets is that the pain is treatable, according to my doctor, so if I feel my pain escalating, I just need to call him. So far, I'm doing well.
Thank you for your prayers.
I survived! Just as you all knew I would. Many of my fears were not realized: I didn't die from the anesthesia, I didn't get nauseous from the pain meds, I haven't had any complications of any kind, actually. The only problems I've had to deal with have related to the pain meds: I started them too late the first day and had severe pain until they kicked in. My oral surgeon (I'll call him Dr. S) drove to my nearby pharmacy to deliver stronger drugs to me (the ones he was prescribing couldn't be turned in to the pharmacy over the phone--they were too intense (percocet)). But the vicodin kicked in and I'm fine. He still wanted me to try the percocet, so I wouldn't have to take so much vicodin, but the percocet made my breathing slow and I got VERY tired. Just too strong of a drug for me.
Anyway, I'm doing fine. I feel much better today. The swelling isn't getting worse, but isn't necessarily better, either. I don't think my husband and I anticipated how long of a recovery this would be, but we're figuring it out. I need to rest and do all the recovery stuff: rinsing my mouth out several times a day, gingerly brushing my (remaining) teeth, drinking everything I eat (instead of chewing), taking lots of naps, and constantly holding ice packs to my chipmunk cheeks until the swelling starts to go down, which should be today.
The fear that remains for me is dry sockets. They don't appear until several days after the surgery, and you can't tell who'll have them and who won't. Of course, to me, that means I'm a prime candidate. The good news about dry sockets is that the pain is treatable, according to my doctor, so if I feel my pain escalating, I just need to call him. So far, I'm doing well.
Thank you for your prayers.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Tomorrow. 11am.
Well, in 24 hours I will have survived (Lord willing) my wisdom teeth surgery that I have been avoiding for many, many years. About ten years, I'd say. That'll feel good, the fact that I am taking care of myself, but the pain and blood and gore won't feel good. Oh well. Such is life.
I just called the oral surgeon's office to see when I need to stop eating before the surgery and if I can have water tomorrow morning, and she said that I need to stop all water and food at midnight tonight. This is because anything in my stomach runs the risk of going into my lungs if I were to throw up or something. I don't really understand, but that sounds gross and if I can avoid it, I will.
This is tricky, though, because I have medicines I need to take in the mornings, with food. I asked her about it and she said I should wait for the afternoon if I can. I guess I have to! I think it'll be okay to skip them or wait for the afternoon.
Sorry about the inane details. They're part of what keep me sane(ish).
And thank you for your prayers. I'll try and call or email or update this blog when I am feeling better (and able to talk).
I just called the oral surgeon's office to see when I need to stop eating before the surgery and if I can have water tomorrow morning, and she said that I need to stop all water and food at midnight tonight. This is because anything in my stomach runs the risk of going into my lungs if I were to throw up or something. I don't really understand, but that sounds gross and if I can avoid it, I will.
This is tricky, though, because I have medicines I need to take in the mornings, with food. I asked her about it and she said I should wait for the afternoon if I can. I guess I have to! I think it'll be okay to skip them or wait for the afternoon.
Sorry about the inane details. They're part of what keep me sane(ish).
And thank you for your prayers. I'll try and call or email or update this blog when I am feeling better (and able to talk).